Date: Thu, 30 Jan 1997 23:43:25 -0600 (CST) From: The Drake To: Jae Walker Subject: FLUFF: Apocolypse Part II /\ / \ / \ ________________. ___ ._______ / | / \ | _ \ | (-----| |----`/ ^ \ | |_) | \ \ | | / /_\ \ | / .-----) | | | / _____ \ | |\ \-------. |________/ |__| /__/ \__\|__| `._________| ____ __ ____ ___ ._______ _________. \ \ / \ / / / \ | _ \ / | \ \/ \/ / / ^ \ | |_) || (-----` \ / / /_\ \ | / \ \ \ /\ / / _____ \ | |\ \---) | \__// \__/ /__/ \__\|__| `._________/ / Mailing List \ /________________________________\ _______ ___ ___ ___ _______ _______ | _ ) ) | Y | _ Y _ ) | I___| | | | | l___| l___| | __) | |__| | | __) | __) | | | l | l | | | | | | |______l_______| | | | `---' `---' `---' *APOCOLYPSE IN THE AHO'ELL SYSTEM* Part II Written by SW-RPG Mailing List Members for SW-RPG Mailing List Members ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ < Tatu Salonen > Captain T. A. Xall had just closed his eyes when the alarm rang out. "Not again... I just can't take this anymore... Flewtagga!" he called his faithful companion, wookiee Flewtagga. The gray haired wookiee came to the cockpit growling nervously. "Flewie, look that our 'mark' is still in chains. We wouldn't want him to break loose and tear this ship apart, would we?" The wookiee snarled and left the cockpit. The 'mark' T.A.Xall was refering to was a bloobiee, a big, ugly thing related to bloobers. Allmost all of known bloobers were caught and overused, and a bloobiee, thought not a real bloobers, was also a real rarity, and worth of a lot of debate and fame. T.A.Xall was just about to sleep again, when the modified 3PO unit known as Butler rolled to the cockpit. Xall cursed all the bureaucratic agencies he could remember. "Well, what is it Butler?" Xall asked with his eyes closed. "2Q4U has translated part of the bloobiee's talk." "Well, what does it say?" "2Q4U isn't 100 per cent sure, but it is something like: "wheen deead captaaain Needa iin ESB diieees hee waaalllks awayyy." "Doesn't make a much of sense, does it?" "No, sir. It continues: "the troopeers doont caarrry hiim, theyy jussst supppoort wwheeen neeedaaa waaalkss." "Okay, let 2Q process it all again, and come back to tell me if there's anything rational in the speech of the bloobiee." The droid leaves the cockpit, just as comm rings. Xall hits a few buttons. "Yeah?" "Collect from Usual Mistake. Do you accept?" "Aah.. All right, I'll accept." There was a moment of silence, the a heavy breathing filled the line. "What is it this time General Failure?" "How did you know it was me? "Just guessed. So what do you have?" "A job. Very easily, low risk, high pay." "Like kinda what?" "You will go to the Dago.. er, Aho'ell system." "Dago.. er, Aho'ell system?" "There you will fill your cash accounts, like me during the clone wars." The line fades to static, revealing weird sounds. "Damn!" Xall yells hitting the console with his fist. "I can believe they put me on hold!" He cuts the line and sets course to Aho'ell. ********************************* < Christian Rick > Criv'ix K'thuk sent Trac Shaddar back to the his command ship, the DarkStalker II. Imediately after his return he ordered his fleet to hyperspace. His plans to be the master of Aho'ell and it's dark secrets had to be delayed for some time, he would go along with the plans of this Criv'ix K'thuk... For now. He walked slowly to the ship's most inner chamber. In this room he kept the deadliest of all his weapons, the sith artifact containing the trapped soles of the fluff haters. He sensed that he would have use of this weapon sometime soon, yes sometime soon. He was sure of that. The ship's klaxons went off, now there would only be seconds before his battle fleet entered Aho'ell system. He took down his ancient jedi battle armour from a shelf and clipped his lightsaber to his belt... ********************************* < "B.J. Terry" > On the small Imperial planet known as Magit, a small boy...with the name of Garl and his ancient trendoshan father Knic-gnack sit on a small hill. ******But in another part of the galaxy****** "Fire," screamed the captain of the Super Mega Giga Star Destroyer. Which had an equally impressive name...'Super-Ultra-Giga-Mega-Fantastico-Destruction-Deathmachine-Devastator.' "Sir, our targeting systems are some how jammed!" Came the response of the disloyal and untrustworthy Fist Mate. "WHY!!" "Well, Sir, It seems that the driving force of our targeting systems, the force-sensitive maggots, seem to be experiencing massive discomfort. In the form of pain." In the Viewscreen of each firing turret suddenly the targeting systems went down. "The 2 squadrons of X-wings flying toward us might find a weakness(Like the thermal exhaust port of the famed Death Star taught about in Imperial Training)!" one gunner exclaimed. "WE must find a way to KILL them!!" Screamed the Captain. Just then the First mate inquired, "Why don't we just turn on the hyperdrives and mow them down?" "Brilliant!" The Catain ordered a hyper jump and instantly---- ******In another part of the galaxy****** The son and father already spoken of, on magit were talking. A nice father and son talk. When suddenly it is stopped quite quickly as they are instantly Disintegrated by a Super Mega Giga Star Destroyer with a very impressive name. ******In another part of the galaxy****** "Sir, the force-sensitive maggots have taken control of navigation! They are sending us through cohmpuhserf (pronounced com pu serv) and straight to Aho'ell!" "I don't need to know how cohmpuhserf is pronounced you idiot! Just figure out a way to stop them!" The captain blaired to the First-mate. Suddenly just at that moment the red strobe lights around the ship flashed and the siren blaired. That was the signal of the ship's hull broken through. The ship was losing air fast. "Sir, The Force-sensitive maggots have opened all the airlocks and are making the ship an inhabitable vacuum. They are also unloading themselves into all the ships transports," again the first-mate was speaking to the captain and waving his hand around in big circles. "Fire on them!" said the slow-witted captain. "Sir, they're the targeting mechanisms...We can't fire! They're loading a transport with our repair parts...you know the ones we fix our ships with?" "Hmmmmm....I've got it, STOP THEM! Send out Spacetroopers" "Sir, we left our spacetroopers at our last stop. They've released the docking clamps on all the transports they didn't use." The Captain went over to a wall near him and pressed a section of wall which slid out revealing the self-destruct lever. He pulled the lever and said "Goodbye, first-mate Pdak, Goodbye" He smiled with insane glee. ******In a very close part of the Galaxy****** The Maggots aboard the transports 'speaked' with each other. Usingtelekinesis they controlled the levers and gears of the transports. Each had a specialized fields and each has a part in the master plan. of course at this point they were experiencing immense pain. The ship was doing strange accidental manuevers. Luckily, all that weren't piloting could use control pain on each other and themselves. In moments they had the preplanned-navicoordinates in the nav computer. They were heading toward Aho'ell. ********************************* < The Drake > Drake was sleeping in his pink, fluffy, chair when the Vermithrax Traitor squealed out of hyperspace. Drake flew forward out of the chair and slammed into the control console. "Ouch! What the hell. . . " Drake was about to start screaming at Vermithrax when he looked up and horror overtook his senses. "Great Googly-Moogly! Get us out of here Vermithrax! NOW!" Drake started pounding commands into the consoles in front of him. He turned to set the final equations for hyperspace when he slipped on a pink throw-pillow. His head slammed against the pink, shag carpet that covered the floor. It was soft and fluffy, but not enough. The last thing Drake saw was this intermidable darkness engulf his ship, and himself. ********************************* < Matt Francis > Cuthbert awoke for the depths of his stunned sleep. He realised two things- one, he was chained to a wall in a dungeon and two, he had no idea how he got there. The dungeon looked the standard all purpose dungeon (TM)- All he was waiting for was the evil lunatic to walk through the door. There was a creeking sound and the evil lunatic walked through the door. He was clad in black and Cuthbert felt the beginnings of a headache, like the one he had experienced earlier. He eyed the thing warily. It spoke. "I am Criv'ix K'thuk" It stated, millenia of malignant hate dripping in his voice "Cr.. Cr.. What was your name?" Cuthbert asked. Criv'ix K'thuk Reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of cold hard peas he jammed them under the helmet and into Fett's mouth. "Hank'oo. Criv'ix K'thuk? Oo uh ell ah oo?" He spat the peas out. "I am evil beyond compare and I shall make you my force slave- a dark apprentice if you wish." "Hah I will never join you" Cuthbert said bravely, although inappropriately given the circumstances. Criv'ix K'thuk gave thye impression of a smile-it was all you could see under the cloak. "We shall see, I will begin conversion tomorrow, first we shall implant the evil maniacal cackle in your voice box. Soon you will be mine to command young Bounty Hunter, MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Cuthbert was left alone. It was more serious than he had thought. How was he to get out? The only thought was if some of the other fluffsters could be drawn to where ever it was he was being imprisoned, a difficult task, they would never really be diverted, unless... He reached with his tongue and activated his helmet wipers. On the second try he got the Hyperspace Transciever and began to say his message. "Help me other Fluffsters, you're my only hope. I'm trapped by some mad man who wants to destroy the galaxy and convert me into his dark side slave. Please rescue me-I have BEER." That last part was bound to get their attention. Cuthbert settled back and waited. Of course it may get messy when they discovered he was lying about the beer. ********************************* < The Drake > Drake awakens only to find himself strapped to an operating table. Bright lights shine down on him and he can smell the various smells one would find in a hospital . . . or a butchery! "I've really had it with that pyscho-ship! I think I'm gonna kill 'em!" Drake starting planning how he was going to kill the entitiy that lived in his ship when a door opened. A man hobbled over to the table and glared down at Drake. The man was some kind of doctor; wearing a white surgeons gown and a small white cap. He had patch over one eye and a hideous scar running down the entire left side of his face. "Vell, " the doctor exclaimed. "I zee that my patient has avakened. Are ve comfertable?" "Screw you, numb-nuts! Get me out of here before I kick your. . . " "My my, aren't ve a little crabby! I'll sink I vill enjoy this one!" Suddenly a voice came from a speaker somewhere. "Doctor Sipple, you are needed in His Lord's chamber." The Doctor, returned his gaze to Drake, "Later zen." And with that he stormed out of the room. Drake began to feel a little hopeless. Not knowing where one is can do that do a person. But, Drake was no ordinary person. He reached out with the Force and found the switch to release his restraints. Obviously, his captures didn't know the extent of his powers. The restraints snapped up and Drake leaped to his feet. He quickly scanned the room and found the nearest terminal. He began to search all the information he could; pushing unfamiliar buttons and reading confusing material until he came upon an obscure message in one of the comm channels. He caught only the tail end of the message: . . I have BEER!" Suddenly Drake knew what he had to do. . . ********************************* < Tatu Salonen > Captain Xall and his friend Flewtagga were setting the course to Aho'ell... Flewtagga growned as he punched the buttons in the panel. "No, I don't think we're in a hurry. Let's just go with two-point-twelve lightspeed. There's absolutely no reason to hurry." Flewie shaked his head snarling. "Because... When we arrive to Aho'ell, the most fighting is probably over. With any luck, we can scavenge something valuable." Flewie wheezed something about Xall. "Yeah, eat me you overgrown sack of hair. We'll use tvo-point-twelve..." T.A. Xall's words were cut when a red light started to flash. The hyperspace receiver started to whistle it's tunes... "Help me other Fluffsters, you're my only hope. I'm trapped by some mad man who wants to destroy the galaxy and convert me into his dark side slave. Please rescue me-I have BEER." "... On second thought, Flewie, set speed to point-four lightspeed. We wouldn't want to miss the fight, would we?" Flewtagga growled and punched the buttons. ********************************* < Christian Rick > The DarkStalker II along with the rest of Trac Shaddar's battle fleet exited hyperspace near the Aho'ell system, all ships were on battle alert. THE DARKSTALKER II'S BRIDGE, FIVE SECONDS LATER, AFTERNOON, ...ABOUT TEA-TIME, ...WELL, PRECSICE TEA-TIME ACTUALLU... Track Shaddar floated onto the ships bridge weaping his ancien jedi battle armour. "What's our status?" he asked(rather demanded) his tactical officer. "All ships are on battle alert and are ready to attack on your comman..." the poor officer looked first at Track Shaddar's feet then at his face and then at his feets again. "HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN A REPULSOR LIFT FLOATER BEFORE???" he screamed "DO YOU THINK THAT I HAVE THE TIME TO WALK FROM MY CABIN TO HERE??? IF I WERE YOU I'D FIX THAT ELEVATOR INSTEAD OF STANDING THERE STARING!!!" "y y yes s sir r" said the now pale officer before he ran off the bridge to find a mechanic. All this screaming had given him a headache, hmm, and it didn't seem to get any better. "Perhaps I should order one of my smaller ships to go and buy a asperin or something" he thought for himself. Then he suddenly heard someone call out through the force... "Help me other Fluffsters, you're my only hope. I'm trapped by some mad man who wants to destroy the galaxy and convert me into his dark side slave. Please rescue me-I have BEER." "Of all the lowest things to do!!!" he screamed "To tempt people with BEER!! But wait... BEER is just the thing I need for my headache..." By now every one on the bridge was staring at him. "Err... Well... GET BACK TO WHAT YOU WERE DOING YOU... Err... YOU SILLY PEOPLE!" he screamed. "And set a course for that small moon!!! Close the pizza restaurant!! Secure all pets!!! And, and get this clown out of my face" he ordered pointing at the red nosed man that just had apperared from nowhere for no particular reason. "Load this into the special cannon I had built on our last stop!!" he said to his weapons officer and held forward the sith artifact containing the trapped fluff haters' souls. "This time we are going in, and we are going in HARD." he said to no-one in particular. The only one who heard this was probably the red nosed man that was being escorted to the ship's brig by two security offices. And after a few seconds he added "AND WHERE IS MY BLODDY TEA, IT'S ALREADY 3 MINUTES PAST TEA-TIME DAMN IT!!!". ********************************* < Jedi Iles > "Help me other Fluffsters, you're my only hope. I'm trapped by some mad man who wants to destroy the galaxy and convert me into his dark side slave. Please rescue me-I have BEER." "WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" said Jedi Master Iles. He was only a few minutes from exiting hyperspace into the Aho'ell system, when a subliminal message came to him. "I'm going all this way for BEER????? Blast, and I thought someone found some more Wookiee Ale!! Well, I'm almost there...guess I might as well stay for the party. Hell, beer's better than nothing!" The Jedi Master searched through the Force to see what other FLUFFsters had followed the message..."Gee, not many here are there? Where's Tenandys, or Eildath or Dev or Minos or any of the others? We can't rescue FLUFFsters without the heroes of the Ale Quest! Even I could not handle the evil in the Aho'ell system by myself. Sure some others are here, but where are my comrades at arms (or blasters, lightsabers or other appropriate weapons)? Well, I guess I'll have to do what I can without them..." ********************************* < Chris Doerscher > "Help me other Fluffsters, you're my only hope. I'm trapped by some mad man who wants to destroy the galaxy and convert me into his dark side slave. Please rescue me-I have BEER." "Did you catch that beeper?" said Ket Hale, a Corellian and the newest member of the alliances "Black Knights" composite squadren, addressing his X-wing R2 astromench interface. The droid beeped an affirmative. "at last, some more real action and not some training garbage. Beeper inform the rest of the squadren that I am respoding to a distress call from the Aho'ell system". A series of beeps come from the little astromech as Hale waits for the translation to scroll across his screen. "No beeper trying to be a hero," Hale said to his droid companion, "I'm just trying to help out a person in need". Another set of beeps come from the droid and the translation scrolls. "No," Hale said "The beer has nothing to do with me answering a distress call. Now send the transmission and set a course for the Aho'ell system". An accussing beep comes from the droid. "No really the beer has nothing to do with the it, youknow I never drink anything that weak," Hale replied. Another accusing set of beeps come from teh little astromech unit, and Hale retorted "All right, all right, I admit it, I like to drink and I know the alliance has banned all intoxicating substances from fighter crews, but the beer has still only a little to do with it. Now send the transmission and set the coordinates for the Aho'ell system." One loud annoying beeep then comes from the R2-unit. "Lying!, you think I'm LYING!" Hale yelled at the droid. An affirmative beep is the droids reply. "Fine then, I admit it, the beer has alot to do with it, but you have to admit real action is better than these crappy training and recon missions. The droid responded with an affirmative beep and then the stars turned into starlines as the X-wing entered hyperspace. "Stupid annoying pip squeak," Hale said An angry set of beeps came from the little droid. "Aw spin on it!" Hale replied. ********************************* < Tenandys Qural > Tenandys Qural looked up from his accounting program, tallying the amount of money he was still pulling with his residuals. He adjusted the Righteous (tm) Shades on his nose, laid down his Spiffy-Q (tm) pen, and thought briefly about joining the fight. "Is there no rest for those of us who have carried the fight before?" Voice Over: "Old Republic Life... For just pennies a day, you can guarantee a comfortable life for yourself in gradual anonymity... After all, what good is being a rich galactic hero, when you'll likely die in the process?" (Some things *never* change...) ********************************* < "Z. Mittge" > "Help me other Fluffsters, you're my only hope. I'm trapped by some mad man who wants to destroy the galaxy and convert me into his dark side slave. Please rescue me-I have BEER." The statement resounded throughout the room, richocheting of the low, moisture-stained ceiling, and reverberating between the slats of the rust-encrusted grate. At length, garbled almost beyond recognition the message trundled its way into a dark corner in the drainage duct below. Something soft, squishy, and presumably green, blinked its eyes and rolled over in bed (that is to say that it blinked something of its gelatinous mass and part of its rather soupish form seemed to shift to such a degree that it appeared to rotate entirely). "Beer?" the word trotted through the listening surfaces of Gilga-squish's form, and penetrated into his really squishy interior. Deep inside the mass of green jello a neuron managed to use a piece of bannana suspended therein to make a connection, and Gilga-squish remembered the happier days of his life, when (before the Womp-on-you Rats had chased him into the prisoners drainage ducts) he had lived in the grate underneath the guardroom. In that moment, Gilga-squish remembered "Beer". Yawning (which sounded like a cross between Jabba the Hutt gargling peanut butter and one of the more unpleasant sounds in the human bodily repetoire), Gila-squish rose (well, some of him seemed notably higher than it had been), and moved off to investigate who had pronounced this most holiest of beckons. Oozing between a few of the numerous slats in the cell's drainage grating, the semi-luminous gelatinous pool approached a slumped figure shackled to the cell's wall. A figure repeatedly intoning the sacred word in an alien and yet, somehow strangely moving and beautiful religous hymn: "Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer!..." Gilga knew that no evil could come from such an obviously devout man, and, so believing, he stepped...er...slid....well, actually he kinda sloshed into the light. "BEER" Gilga intoned in as close an approximation to the holy man's litany he could manage (a cross between a belch and the squelch of a large and none-to-clean armpit). The holy man was clearly enthralled, and began to go into violent religious ecstacies that his chains were only barely able to contain. "Aggghh!!! A nasty, icky, slimy, thing! Aggghh!!!" Gilga was just on the verge of moving in to accompany this holy man on his new litany, when a flailing limb sent him (well, whatever parts of his were not still on Fett's boot) sailing acrossed the small chamber to impact, with a resounding "Splat", in the far, dark corner of the room. Gilga-squish came back to himself rolling, yes, actually rolling acrossed the floor! The holy man had done it, he had given Gilga a solid body! "Beer?" Fett said questioningly "Beer! Beer!" Gilga intoned sloshing his body up in the air next to the captive holy man, only to realize that his new skeleton still lay on the floor. Fett glanced down at the beer bottle that the small slime creature had rolled out of the corner on top of. Absently, his brain registered that the capped bottle was clearly intact, and it clearly contained fluid. Fett nudged it with a toe, a slow smile spread acrossed his face as he read the label: "Deux ex Mechina Brand Malt Liquor (a division of the SCHLITZ CORPORATION). ********************************* . .-o . / | . . / | . / | . / | . / / . . / _./ . _.---~-.=:_ (_.-=() <~`-`-. _/ _() ~`-==-._,> ..--====--' `~-._.__() o===''~~ |__() . \ | . \ \ \ \ . . \ \ . \ \ \_ \ . ~o