Date: Thu, 30 Jan 1997 23:43:59 -0600 (CST) From: The Drake To: Jae Walker Subject: FLUFF: Apocolypse Part III /\ / \ / \ ________________. ___ ._______ / | / \ | _ \ | (-----| |----`/ ^ \ | |_) | \ \ | | / /_\ \ | / .-----) | | | / _____ \ | |\ \-------. |________/ |__| /__/ \__\|__| `._________| ____ __ ____ ___ ._______ _________. \ \ / \ / / / \ | _ \ / | \ \/ \/ / / ^ \ | |_) || (-----` \ / / /_\ \ | / \ \ \ /\ / / _____ \ | |\ \---) | \__// \__/ /__/ \__\|__| `._________/ / Mailing List \ /________________________________\ _______ ___ ___ ___ _______ _______ | _ ) ) | Y | _ Y _ ) | I___| | | | | l___| l___| | __) | |__| | | __) | __) | | | l | l | | | | | | |______l_______| | | | `---' `---' `---' *APOCOLYPSE IN THE AHO'ELL SYSTEM* Part III Written by SW-RPG Mailing List Members for SW-RPG Mailing List Members ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ < MSTR Trench > Kaal Ironfist jumped into his starship. "OK, enough already," he said. "Spudz, get me out of here. We're going to Ah'oell." "As you wish, Lord Kaal." Kaal smiled. He loved when his nav computer got a sense of humility. "I will not let this FLUFF die," he promised, trying to use the Force even though he was probably the most un-Force sensitive guy in the galaxy. "If I have to sacrifice my other arm and leg, I will not let this FLUFF die." Soon, he reached his destination. A Dark Jedi Master (or so it seemed) was busy torturing some poor soul with a case of Budweiser at his side. "At last!!!" the man screamed. "I'll give you the Bud if you save me......" "You got a deal!!!" roared Kaal. He whipped out his blaster and sent a bolt of light energy at the crazed Dark Jedi...... < Christian Rick > Trac Shaddar used the jedi power teleport to teleport him to the small moon's surface. He got there just in time to see a figure ripping out his blaster a fireing at Criv'ix K'thuk. Faster than anyone else could react he ripped out his character sheet and changed his Lightsaber skill from 7D to 14D and added the special abillity "Always strikes first in combat". Then he deflected the blaster bolt with ease and stared with red eyes the poor man holding a BEER in his hand (not noticing that the BEER just was a clever illusion) "Give me that BEER and I shall let you live" he said with his best darth Vader voice. "hey, that's min...." Said the man with the blaster, he didn't have time to conplete the sentence before Trac Shaddar sent his cross the room with a force lightning. "SILENCE" he screamed "That BEER is mine!!! I give you 5 seconds to give it to me or I'll order my ship to fire the FLUFF-HATER CANNON!!!!". He didn't notice the man with the blaster getting to his feets again... < Matt Francis > Fett hung on the wall as the man in black yelled something at him. "Beer?" Fett grinned nervously (although no-one could see him under the helmet) "Ah yes!" He waved his hand and the force illusion (TM ended) "WHHAAAAT?!?!" Screamed Shaddar. Just then Ironfist jumped straight at him and knocked him into the far wall. Shaddar TKed him back and then jumped at him. As the free for all started Fett turned to Gilga-squish and shrugged to him. Firing up his toe boot laser cutters he aimed clumsily at the bottle and opened it. The blobby thing enveloped it in its body and then proceeded to dissolve its way through Fetts manacles. And suddenly everyone else in the room realised something was amiss and turned. "The Beer?" Ironfist asked, his blaster leveled at Fett. "Ah yes, the beer. Well...." He paused "LOOK! THE GOODYEAR BLIMP!" Fett was out of the room in an instant with Gilga-squish sticking (lit) close on his heels "Gets'em every time" ********************************* < The Drake > Drake finished reading the end of the message. "BEER? Here? It must be a trick . . but . . . I can't resist *beer*!" He turned quickly and headed for the door but was suddenly cut off by Dr. Sippel, returning to finish his work. "Vhat have we here? Is my little pet ethscaping?" "Fraid so, nut-head!", Drake said as he grabbed the doctor by the throat. He summoned some extra strength from the Dark Side and threw the doctor clear accross the room, his body slamming hard against the far wall. "Ouch. That musta' hurt.", Drake remarked to himself as he rushed down the passage. He turned a corner and peered over his shoulder when. . . <*SMACK*> He ran into man wearing full Mandalorian battle armor. "What the hell?. . . ", the man replied. Drake didn't pay close attention, he eyes were glued to a single bottle of beer rolling across the floor! ********************************* < MSTR Trench > Kaal was running down the hall after the Mandalorian man yelling, "I want my Budweiser!!!!!!" Suddenly some crazed fool ran out of the room to Kaal's left. He crashed into the Mandalorian...and the BEER feel out of his hand. The crazy man was looking at the beer. So was Kaal. They both dove for it, and when the dust had cleared, the man had the top, and Kaal had the bottom of the treasured bottle of Bud. "You fool!!" screamed Kaal. "I need that for my Nerf-Herder Bowl party!!!!!!!" "Really?" said the man. "What a coincidence!!!" "Well," he said, "we'll see....." He ripped out his character sheet and the other man's. He changed the man's Strength to 1D and his brawling to 2D. His Brawling skill he changed to 1000000000000000000000000000000000000D+2. All in indelible marker. Under his equipment, he put "Brass Knuckles (worn): Damage 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000D+2." Then he reared his fist back for the punch...... ********************************* < "Z. Mittge" > "LOOK THE GOODYEAR BLIMP!" The holy man whooped in, what Gilga presumed, was the call to all good converts to prayer. Filled with the holy light of THE BOTTLE and THE SCHLITZ (and more than likely pleasantly schnockered), Gilga pressed close to his redeemer, hoping to gain more of his wisdom and love. That's when Fett stepped backword. Bound in love (and a great deal of protoplasm) to the underside of his savior's boots, Gilga-squish's utter joy of sacred bonding soon became replaced with a feeling of nausea as, repeatedly, the Great Fett tromped on one of the quishier parts of his anatomy--the one that housed both bottle and beer. At length, Gilga could contain his anguish--not to mention the beer and the bottle no longer--and retched both onto the floor of the hallway. Gilga had barely a moment to speak his pardon (a sound rather more unpleasant than the retching himself), when the Holy Fett plowed into a figure in the hallway. The Drake peered down at the bottle lying open on the floor at his feet. "Schlitz Malt Liquor! Tell me you didn't open that!" "Why?" Fett asked, his gaze still transfixed on the very sloppy show Gilga-squish was making of grieving for the loss of the holy BEER. "Don't you remember those commercials from the early eighties?" "What commercials?" As if to answer Fett's question a rumble proceeded from the direction of the cell block chamber in which Fett had been held. "Oh! you don't mean the ones with the bull that crashes through the wall?!" "Exactly, and this is the Deux ex Mechina variety, we better get the hell out of her--" "MAD BANTHA!" someone shrieked from inside the cellblock...... ********************************* < Tatu Salonen > Spacecube 1, the feared ship of a feared man called Captain T.A. Xall, arrives to Aho'ell... "Flewie, reflectors full power!" The hairy beast grunted something and punched a button. A red light started to flash in the cockpit wall. "What the?.. MAD BANTHA alert? Not again!" Xall activated sensors and focused the to the surface of that little moon. "If I don't stop it, it will crush the..." looking the sensor screen "Schlitz Malt Liquor! No, no, no! I'll have to stop it. But how. How can one stop a Mad Bantha?" Flewie growled something and punched a button. "Up yours, you walking wig!" Xall started to walk around the small cockpit. "How do I stop a Mad Bantha? How do I... I... have... to... stop... it..." Xall started to beat his head to the wall. Flewie made a strange sound and punched a button. "HA! I got it! I got it! Flewie, get the bloobiee out of the cage. Yeah, I know it's dangerous, but we got to do something. It's our only hope." Flewie asked something and almost hit a button. "Tie him up to a concussion missile. We'll use the most terrible weapon in the universe... The Bloober Bomb. (aka anti Bantha missile)." Flewie rushed out of the cockpit, and returned after a few loooong minutes. "You're ready? Good. Is the bloobiee in place? Good." Xall maneuvered the Spacecube 1 like a mad bantha and activated missile control. "I got tone, I got tone! Bantha lock! Lock one, lock two, Loch Ness! Launching... The bomb's away!" Xall and Flewie watched as the small missile flew towards the moon. Xall hesitated. What had he just done? Had he judged the universe to crumble in one big BLOOB? "Flewie, I've got a bad feeling about this..." ********************************* < The Drake > Drake and Fett stumbled back and tried to run from the charging, mad, Bantha. ". . . I don't want to die. . . I don't want to die. . . ", he mumbled to himself. "Especially like this!", he yelled and he turned to face his impending demise. He drew his yellow-bladed lightsaber and stood ready for anything! Suddenly, an explosion rocked the small moon. Pieces of rock flew everywhere. Pieces of rock and Bantha, that is! "Good grief! What is this?", Fett said as he lay covered in some strange goey substance. "Dear Dark Lord! Blooder boogies!", Drake yelled. He paused as he turned toward Fett. "OH NO! THE BEER!!" Drake turned and looked at the collapsed tunnel. What had happened to the beer?!?! ********************************* < Chris Koch > "Enough of this." said Criv'ix K'thuk. With a thought, he summoned up collosal dark side energies, and began to proccess them. "None of you..." he said, in his raspy voice, "are welcome here. This is my home. My fortress. I will NOT tolerate an infestation of such vermin! Away!" and with that, K'thuk released his darkside energies, banishing all the fluffsters to an undisclosed dimension. < Christian Rick > "Arrghhhhhhh!!!!!! Heeeelllllppppp!!!!" screamed Trac Shaddar when he realized where K'thuk had sent him. Disney World!!! "This is no way for a Dark Jedi to die! Why did he do this to me??". Suddenly Trac noticed that his headache was gone... and that he had a strange urge to go somewhere, that it was important that he went to this somewhere. He sat down on a bench and started to think, after a while he looked up at the person sitting next to him. It was Goofy, to tired to do anything about it he just continued to think. The urege was comming stonger and stronger now, he had to do something. Then suddenly he got it!!! He would do something totally new, he would draw power from the light side of the force, it was plenty of it here... He stood up and started concentration on his new task, drawing power from the light side and combining it with his own dark he unleashed a great vortex that succed him back to the normal fluff universe. *ON THE DARKSTRYDER II'S BRIDGE* "What the hell was that???" asked the first officer "Give me a status report, imediately!!". "That small ship fired somekind of new superweapon on the moon, which led to some kind of a power surge." replied the man operating the scanners. "Send two fighters to that ship, tell them that if they surrender I'll let them live" turning to the scanner operator again "Search that moon for life sig..." *ON XALL'S SPACECUBE* < Tatu Salonen > Captain Xall was inspecting the conc missile launcher, which had some really bad matte, due to the launched bloober bomb. Flewie was with him, and he also had a head ache because of the bad matte. You could even see through the hull in some places. The comm system had been putted offline for the time of the repairs, and the passengers aboard the Spacecube 1 had no idea of the closing danger... "Pilot 2 to pilot 1, there's no answer", the other fighter pilot said to the other. "You're right, pilot 2. It's a trap. Let's blow the ship to Hell!" "Following your order pilot 1." Dark Jedi Utat, the most feared -and only- Dark Jedi aboard the Spacecube 1, was known throughout the Mos Eisley cantina, because he had the glove of Darth Vader's cousins roommate! Anyway, he woke up in his cabin aboard the spacecube1. He had a sith hangover, the worst kind there is. Ouh, my head hurts he almost thought, but didn't have the strength to do that. He crowled to the cockpit with amazing determinism. Something subconscious made him crowl to the nav computer and program it. After a whilem the computer said 'BING' and the ship hurled into hyperspace... "...got lock! Launching!" the pilot 2 screamed. Just as the torpedo left the launcher, the target jumped in hyperspace. "Nooooo!" screamed pilot one as he imagined the punishment they would get when they returned to the Darkstryder II... *BACK ON THE DARKSTRYDER II'S BRIDGE* < Christian Rick > KASPASH!!! Out from nowhere,fell Trac Shaddar on his first officer. "Sir?? Where did you come from?" he asked. "Never mind, tell the fleet to rondevouz at the Empress' Throneworld!!" Trac said on the way out from the bridge. "But sir!! We have two fighters out." Said the first officer. "Never mind them, I have more importand buissness on the Empress Throneworld!!" Said Trac as he walked out of the bridge "AND CAN SOMEONE GET THIS ELIVATOR FUNTIONALLY, OR WILL I HAVE TO EXECUTE EVERY LIVING SOUL ON THIS SHIP AND SOME MORE ON THAT???". *IN THE SHIP'S BRIG* "What is the meaning with life?" Wondered the now no longer happy looking red nosed man "And just how many female players are there out there?". He looked around his cell again, nothing had chaned from the 512 other times he had looked around... *TRAC SHADDAR'S CABIN* "Oh, I missed you" Said Trac almost crying. In his arms was his old Donald Duck doll. "Why did I ever put you with all my other toys in the closet?". *BACK ON THE DARKSTRYDER II'S BRIDGE* The DarkStryder's first officer picked up the intercom "Sir? Are you there?? ..mumble.. ..mumble.. hate when this intercom malfunktion ..mumble.. SIR!!!! ARE YOU THERE!!!!!" "Yes, I'm here, you don't have to scream, well waddayawant?" said trac Shaddar. "Sir on our way out of the system we'll intercept the fighters, shall we pick them up?" repled the officer. "Well, if it doesn't delay our arrival to the Empress' Throneworld so." "Right Sir, using the TRACTORbeam to pick'em up now, over n out!" "What did you say that their names where?" "Over and N'Out Sir. Luitennant Over and ensign N'Out Sir" "Very well, bring them to the bridge when they arrive, I want to debrief them myself!" *SPACE, THE FIDO FRONTIER, PROBABLY, THE AHO'ELL SYSTEM TO BE EXACT* A hatch opened in the DarkStryder's hull and out drove the TRACTORbeam. It looked like a tractor with a beam of glowing light behind it that connected it to the ship. It drow to the two fighters and attached a tow cable to them and then it drow back towing the fighters. *THE DARKSTRYDER II'S BRIDGE, 3 MINUTES LATER* Trac Shaddar floated in on his new repulsor "wheelchair", every one on the bridge stared on him. "What do you think? Picked it up in the MedLab. It's much better than the repulsor floater. Well, where is the pilots?" he said. "They are over here." said the first officer. "I see that the ship no longer appears on pur scanners." said Trac. "But Sir, they did..." more didn't the sensor operator have time to say before Trac Shaddar interupted him saying: "DID I ASK FOR YOU TO SPEAK? HUH?" "Err, well, No Sir!! But the shi..." "SHUT UP!!!" Trac whent over to the pilots (who where sweatting heavily). "Congratulations on a successfull mission" said Trac. "Would anyone care to join me for some tea?" "BUT SIR!!" yelled the sonsor operator. On the way to the ships bar Trac said to his first officer, pointing at the sensor operator: "Have him executed right now. Space him, yes, space him. It was a long time ago we had a real good spacing! Send all over the ship! Oh by the way please alert me when we reaches the Empress' throneworld, I'll be in the ship's bar with these two heroes-of-the-day." "Smeg." thought the first officer, "How am I supposed to get us to the Empress' Throneworld? Nobody even knows where it is!" Then the Darkstryder II vanished. *A FEW HOURS, ONE GOOD SPACING AND A FEW DRINKS LATER* "bzzzzt" "Ehh..." "bzzzzt" "Ehhh... .no.. ..I.. ..don't... ...wanna.. .go. ...to... ..school.. ..to.. ..day.. ...just wanna sleap.... hmmmphh" "bzzzzt" [A few seconds and "bzzzzzt" later] "BZZZZT!!!!" "Ehueee!!! Whats on fire????" "Sir i've been rying to reach you for over 10 minutes now" "Oh, waddaya want?" said Trac with an unstedy voice. "You said that I should let you know when we aproached the Empress' throneworld." "So?" "We are aproaching the Empress' Throneworld now Sir!" "Oh, good. I'll be right there, have the crew lined up for inspection." ********************************* < Chris Koch > Meanwhile.... "Ugh." grunted Limaan Lyym, as he regained consciousness. He then proceeded to add "Guuuuuuuhhhh...." Damian Yor was the next to awaken, in a rather abrupt manner. "Gaah!" he screamed as he popped up. "Hey guys!" said Qel'Sol cheerfully as he strolled out of his quarters. "Rough night huh? By the way....why is the void of space white?" Limaan managed to lift himself off the floor, and drag himself to the pilot's seat. Qel was right. The void around them was bright, shining white. And there was only one planet...directly in front of them. Limaan ran a scan of the planet, and, had his eyes not been attached to his body, they would have gone through with their decision to leap out of his head upon seeing the results. "Guys...check this out!" he said. "What is it?" said the still-groggy Yor. "The energy readings of this planet are off the scale! You don't get power output like this at the heart of a star!" "Yess....." replied Damian "this place is strong with the Force. It can only be one place: the Empress' Throneworld." As if in response to Damian's statement, the small metal pyramid came floating into the cockpit, and began to emit a holo-projection. "I am Empress Jae. If you are seeing this message, than a Jedi has obviously retrieved the key to my Throneworld. I, and the whole of creation, are in grave danger. A veritble Dark Side God, known as Criv'ix K'thuk has taken me as his prisoner and queen. I scarcely had time to record this before my mind, and the minds of all other Dark Siders galaxy-wide, were brought under this madman's dominion. Before I was abducted, I managed to lock the Force-imbued mechanisms of my palace onto his homeworld. This means all that has transpired, and will transpire there, is recorded. The galaxy's only hope is for all the children of the fluff to be united, to mount a massive counter-offensive. Travel to my throneroom. There you will find a great machine. Upon activation, it will draw all the fluff-children to my throneworld. There, you may discover how to defeat this menace. May the Force be with you." The three adventurers were too shocked to speak. They simply followed the Empress' instructions. Landing their ship on her Throneworld, the used the Key to guide them to her throneroom. There they found the great machine the Empress' spoke of. Limaan approached it, and placed the Key in a slot which appeared to fit it. The device glowed with the light of a thousand suns and released a crack like thunder. Now they simply had to wait...and the Fluffsters, whereever they may be, would be brought to them. ********************************* < Matt Francis > Fett's eyes adjusted to the strange view of wherever he was. What strange dimension had he been sent to? His foot made a soft squelching sound as Gilga-squashed clung faithfully to his boot. He was in the main room of some old cargo hauler- a cluttered dilapidated looking ship that smelt suspiciously of cuuries. He realised that 4 persons were looking at him. The first an cowardly looking man with an H implanted on his head stood behind a grubby human (the smell of curries was coming from him). The other two a man with fangs and excellent dress sense and a strange robot. 'Who the hell is he?' asked the one who stank of curries 'Well whoever he is he's deaded than tank tops!' cried the natty dresser brandishing his gun 'Oh dear' mumbled the droid 'It appears we have an unexpected visitor from that dimension where they exercise that ridiculous ritual known as FLUFF. Honestly, why can't you have the decency to stick to your own dimension? Get out of here.' 'OK' said Fett. 'I think I can modify my Jetpack-using my Dramatic Necessity Booster (TM) and a little help...' Fett cast the Munchkinise Stats Force Power and his Technical score climbed steadily to 15000D. The Jetpack was soon ready and making sure Gilga-squish was stuck on he prepared to ignite it. He turned to the crew; 'Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for Breakfast!" .... Fett landed with a crash of limbs and a trail of smoking Jetpack parts. He was back in the Fortress, and all hell was about to break loose.... ********************************* < The Drake > Drake ran back to the corridor to see if he could salvage the bottle of beer. He searched the pile carefully, not wanting to break it's fragile glass bottle. Suddenly, he spotted a glimmer in the light. Could it be? Could it be the beer? He carefully started to remove the rubble. "Hey, man, I think I found it!", he said as he turned to where Fett had once been. But he was no longer there! "Oh, nuts! Something *else* is going screwy!" Drake shrugged as he continued to retrieve the bottle. When he finally had cleared away enough debris, he slowly pulled the bottle from the mess. "We will be taking that!" Drake turned and quickly pulled his blaster. He saw three cloaked figures standing where Fett had once been. "Who are you?", he asked. "We are the AFJHA!", the lead figure replied. "NO! Not the Alcoholic Fluff Jedi Hunters Association!", Drake screamed. "One in the same.", the man answered. "Well, your not getting this beer without a fight! Thats the one thing you can't take from a FLUFF Jedi - his beer!" And with that Drake ignited his yellow-bladed lightsaber and stood ready. The lead figure pulled something from underneath his cloak. Drake recognized it immediately: a Jedi-Buster! That sonic device that could shatter a lightsaber crystal in a heart-beat. Only problem was, was that Drake knew it would shatter the glass beer bottle too! Drake rushed forward swinging wildly! Suddenly, he tripped. He fell face first down in a puddle of water?! He looked up and found himself in the middle of a forest! "Great googly moogly!" ********************************* ___ ,--'___`--, ,' / _ \ `, / _/ / \ \_ \ '-,-'\ / \ /`-,-` __.----==-| | | |-==----.__ `---==|---| | | |---|==---' .-`-,/| |\,-'-. | \ `---' / | ` \ \ / / ' | \| --- |/ | ` | | ' | | | | \ `. ,' / \ | | / \ | | / \`. .'/ -o|_|o- (_)