Return-path: Received: from DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU by DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU (PMDF V5.0-5 #7763) id <01I0TLAU7PCWHXL6DF@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU> for sw-rpg@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU; Sun, 04 Feb 1996 17:22:09 -0400 (EDT) Received: from cleo.bc.edu by DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU (PMDF V5.0-5 #7763) id <01I0RA1X0P7IHW9T9I@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU> for jae+sw-rpg@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU; Sat, 03 Feb 1996 00:37:22 -0400 (EDT) Received: from [136.167.202.229] (st202x229.bc.edu [136.167.202.229]) by cleo.bc.edu (8.6.12/8.6.12) with SMTP id AAA37578 for ; Sat, 03 Feb 1996 00:37:27 -0500 Date: Sat, 03 Feb 1996 00:38:37 -0500 From: connorbd@bc.edu Subject: a month of fluffdays In-reply-to: <"MailDrop1.0b13.960116233313"@st202x229.bc.edu> To: jae+sw-rpg@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU Errors-to: jae+sw-rpg-errors@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU Reply-to: jae+sw-rpg@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU Message-id: <"MailDrop1.0b13.960203003837"@st202x229.bc.edu> MIME-version: 1.0 Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=US-ASCII Content-transfer-encoding: 7BIT So was it written, and so (except for the Luke-marries-Mara Jade bit that nobody seemed to care about so I gave up) it was accepted. Now I have to clean out my mailbox. This is every piece of Inquisition fluff that has been written, right up to the bitter end (I would have thought). Empress, could you see fit to put this on the archive? /Coach From: connorbd@cleo.bc.edu Subject: Star Wars meeting, 2/3 Date: Tue, 16 Jan 1996 09:53:05 -0500 Announcing the long-overdue beginning of the Star Wars RPG season at BC. There will be a meeting for anyone interested in playing Star Wars this semester on Saturday, 3 February at 3pm. It will most likely be in my room (Edmonds 318); if there is a change in that plan you will be informed. Assume Edmonds. A warning: the game plan is not confirmed yet. It is possible that Jedi will be allowed, but if you have a Jedi character please prepare a backup. For all prospective players, I would like also to get together a local swrpg mailing list; if you want in so as to keep up on what happens in the game please email me with your address. /Coach -------------------- *From: Tenandys Qural Subject: Random Fluff (was Re: "cannon") Date: Wed, 24 Jan 1996 16:26:52 -0500 (EST) This is just too good to pass up... > No one will send the Great Lucas Inquisition to your gaming session > if you are a SW Protestant! [Initialize Narrative sequence now...] Tenandys Qural was sitting quietly at a table overlooking the Mil Atran skyline, a glass of fine Ledgene Brandy rolling gracefully between his fingers. Braised fillet of Morgansin Lito with Teishe Sauce steamed on his plate over a bed of perfectly cooked White Jela Grains, filling the air with a savory tang. Across the table, with her back to the view sat Lilla Coulter, former HoloNews reporter. She was dressed elegantly in warm tones of ivory and teal, setting off her deep auburn hair and pale eyes. The two of them always presented a sharp contrast - with his stark white mane and silky black body fur, Qural guessed that he was a contrast to most, but tonight, with a white tuxedo, he looked like something out of a felinoid fashion magazine. Tonight was a pivotal night, where many things were to be discussed and their plans for the future set down. It had been too long since he had last seen her, and there was much to be talked about before the seriousness of the night's agenda set in. It was odd, he thought as he sipped from his glass, that there were so many people that he knew in here. He had seen Baadu on his way in, talking, it looked like, to Adol. It seemed like he had seen Raptor hanging about in the lounge also. Almost as if there was some predestination to it all... He glanced back at the window in time to see a dark form hurtling toward them throught the night sky. With a muffled cry, he dove over the table, bearing Lilla to the ground just as the plate glass exploded into deadly shards of shimmering death. The two of them tumbled beneath another table, shielded from the flying glass by a margin of mere seconds. Chaos erupted in the restaurant as the five figures came to a halt beside Qural's table. Random servers, including one surly Trianii that was known to moonlight as a medic, got the hell out of the way, reasoning that - unless heroics paid off in good tips - they now had the night off. The five figures were dressed in standard Imperial uniform, except that they all carried nasty looking staves and bound leather tomes bearing the Imperial symbol. From his stint with the Empire, Qural recognized their insignia as an unfamiliar branch of the Inquisition. "Who are you?" One of the lead figures in black, a man with silver hair and a scar along one cheek, glanced over at Qural, a fanatic gleam in his eye. "We are the Great Lucas Inquisition!" Qural bit his lip. "You know, I can honestly say that I wasn't expecting anything of this sort. I thought we had cleared up copyright issues a couple of fluffs ago..." The man laughed maniacally. "No one expects the Lucas Inquisition!" [Narrative sequence paused...] There, bad punchline and all... If you wants to continue this, feel free... I was possessed for a brief moment and had to do it... Now I expect to be pelted by well thrown stones... Tenandys Qural, Lord Khanjheira. (I'm a nice guy in RL... The bad sense of humor rarely shows... Heh.) -------------------- *From: argtemp@pobox.upenn.edu Subject: Re: Random Fluff (was Re: "cannon") Date: Wed, 24 Jan 1996 17:19:35 -0500 >The five figures were dressed in standard Imperial uniform, except that >they all carried nasty looking staves and bound leather tomes bearing the >Imperial symbol. From his stint with the Empire, Qural recognized their >insignia as an unfamiliar branch of the Inquisition. As Qural scans the rest of the group, he notices an unfortunately all to familiar face. Admiral Angie grins wickedly "Hello Qural. Guess what - I've found religion!" and she proceeds to join her comrade in evil laughter... ***************** Sorry, I just couldn't resist! Angie -------------------- *From: Tenandys Qural Subject: Re: Random Fluff (was Re: "cannon") Date: Wed, 24 Jan 1996 17:47:24 -0500 (EST) > >The five figures were dressed in standard Imperial uniform, except that > >they all carried nasty looking staves and bound leather tomes bearing the > >Imperial symbol. From his stint with the Empire, Qural recognized their > >insignia as an unfamiliar branch of the Inquisition. > As Qural scans the rest of the group, he notices an unfortunately all to > familiar face. Admiral Angie grins wickedly. > "Hello Qural. Guess what - I've found religion!" and she proceeds to join > her comrade in evil laughter... Qural rubs his temples, knowing that this, like all other days that foundhimself in the middle of a fluff, was a day he should have stayed in bed... "Why aren't you back on the ISD Vegetarian, keeping the peace around the Drycas sector? Like a good Admiral?" > ***************** > Sorry, I just couldn't resist! Hey, Angie... Howarya? I knew that this would pull some of the spamsters out of the woodwork... :) Ten -------------------- *From: connorbd@bc.edu Subject: Re:Re: Random Fluff (was Re: "cannon") Date: Wed, 24 Jan 1996 17:54:50 -0500 > >>The five figures were dressed in standard Imperial uniform, except that >>they all carried nasty looking staves and bound leather tomes bearing the >>Imperial symbol. From his stint with the Empire, Qural recognized their >>insignia as an unfamiliar branch of the Inquisition. > >As Qural scans the rest of the group, he notices an unfortunately all to >familiar face. Admiral Angie grins wickedly > >"Hello Qural. Guess what - I've found religion!" and she proceeds to join >her comrade in evil laughter... Meanwhile, lightyears away on Tatooine, a group of shadowy figures strode down the streets of the desolate town of Motesta and surrounded a house near the center of the village. Inside, Devta Sharanim's old smuggler senses tingled, and he pulled out his trusty light-chainsaw, a contraption he had constructed recently based on someone else's suggestion to replace his cheezy old light stiletto. Devta looked out the window into the dim glow of first dawn, adjusted a dial on the chainsaw, and a blacklight double blade extended and shimmered in the darkness. He picked up a comlink; he knew who these people were and he knew they didn't like the Motesta Circle very much. He also knew, through a limited sense of electrical conductivity he'd developed, that the holophone was out, so he hoped someone had a working comlink... he flipped a switch. "Asher, they're here." Devta had been working on his chainsaw combat, but even he knew he wasn't good enough to get out of a surrounded house... where was Asher when you needed him... /Coach BTW, to the person who suggested the light chainsaw, do you have stats? I'll do it myself if you don't. -------------------- *From: Mike Overbo Subject: Re: Random Fluff (was Re: "cannon") Date: Thu, 25 Jan 1996 01:48:08 -0600 (CST) Doh! I hate these things, but somehow, I feel obliged to contribute. have a nice day! _mike_ overbom@stolaf.edu -------------------------------------------------------------------- Biirta Baadu sat deep in hyperspace, monitoring sensors and comm channels. He knew it was coming. Other people never expected it, and it got them. But Biirta had a deep-seated pessimism that couldn't be budged. He had spent thousands upon thousands of credits to supply himself with high-grade probe droids. Nobody could get at him for at least an hour; unless they somehow got his coordinates. Theoretically, finding Biirta should have been impossible. Biirta sweated and fumed. "Damn," he said. He had been out of Tekka nuts for several days, and he was not in a good mood. To top it all off, his beverage replicator couldn't do a decent gin and tonic, something that he could have used. Bleary-eyed, Baadu looked to his screen. And there it was, no more than five clicks away. There was no escape. The imperial inquisition. . . . Hours later, on the ISD Questioner... Biirta lay in pain on the torture rack. They had stuffed him with truth-telling drugs, and yet he still held on, as if his life was somehow worth keeping. "Put him in the comfy chair," leered the head inquisitor. "And poke him with the soft cushions. Do so, until he caves. With only one break for tea." The Inquisitor's attendants gasped. By the end of such torture, Baadu would surely be dead... Baadu merely sneered. He had endured similar conditions while working in the Spice Mines of Kessel. And it had only made him stronger, although he very nearly died. "Oh, yes. Make him watch reruns of the old Sith Wars videos -- the ones that really sucked," added the inquisitor. "Nooooo!" screamed Baadu. "I'll talk! I'll talk!" So Baadu spewed the tales of the Light-Chainsaw group, Admiral Angie, Tenandys Qural, Marc Srath, LFL lawyers, and others. He looked like a man beaten, on his last breath. "Very interesting," said the Inquisitor. "I can't make heads or tails of it," commented an aide. "Neither can I. . ." whispered Baadu. "Neither can I. . . So . . . Many . . . stories . . . but . . . none . . . of . . . them . . . are . . . connected..." Baadu passed out with a gasp. "Retain him for questioning," barked the high inquisitor. -------------------- *From: connorbd@bc.edu Subject: Re:Re: Random Fluff (was Re: "cannon") Date: Thu, 25 Jan 1996 09:35:21 -0500 On Tatooine, second dawn was rapidly approaching. Asher D'Jackaral slunk through the streets of Motesta, hand on his lightsaber. Devta's last comlink message seemed to indicate the Inquisition hadn't made its move yet. Hiding in his house, chainsaw at the ready, Devta knew why they had come too. Nobody knew about who *his* relatives were, but everyone who knew Devta knew about that moron Jarol Fett. The Inquisition was especially hard on the many hundreds who pretended to be related to Boba Fett, and the vast majority were only too willing to sell out their former companions for a chance to get off. Thank the Maker for chainsaw parry skills, thought Devta as a Force tendril brushed his consciousness. He picked up the comlink again. "Asher?" he whispered. "I'm at the end of the street, Devta. Get ready." Now perhaps one slightly Force-sensitive guy could handle this group, but why take the chance? At that point, Asher whispered "GO!" and Devta burst out of the house into a firestorm of stun blasts. He managed to parry all of them (some idiot bigger than these guys had armed them with holdout blasters). It was over before it started; four of the Inquisition thugs came around the house to find their two buddies with a chainsaw to their throats and a Jedi with a lightsaber ready to deflect any blaster bolts that would come their way. "Why are you here, stukachi?" growled Devta at the two he was menacing with the chainsaw. "Devit Sal-Solo, you stand charged with being Han Solo's brother, in violation of the Imperial Canon Act of 1977." Wham. They got it wrong, but someone knew enough to do this... "I'm not his brother, I'm his cousin. Someone else thought that, but it was wrong," snapped Devta. Then he turned to the four that Asher was currently disarming. Cowards, he thought. "No funny moves or your friends here wind up relieved of their heads. Asher, what do you want to do with these guys?" "Get the landspeeder and some binders, I say. We'll leave them in Mos Eisley. Come on, we have to get going anyway. The Kelar Princess leaves in two days, and we have to be on it." "Yeah. Inks, you ever stayed for a vacation in Mos Eisley?" "Tekka nuts, Devta?" "Yeah, thanks." Anyone else? /Coach -------------------- *From: elclin0@service1.uky.edu Subject: Re: Random Fluff (was Re: "cannon") Date: Thu, 25 Jan 1996 10:11:14 -0500 (EST) Raptor switched packs the packs in his blaster again, noting that he was running low. Suddenly, a large crash echoed through the building and a Particle Projection Cannon crashed through the ceiling. Raptor One scurried up the weapon, and enter The Raptor's cockpit. Shoving on his new, lighter neurohelmet, he took manual control of his pride and charged up the cannons. The improvments to his 'Mech eliminated his worries about heat sinks, and he turned his PPCs and his new heavy repeating blaster (replacing the autocannon) toward the lawyer's strike craft. Shot after shot tore smoking holes through the hull, and the ship crashed in the outskirts of town. Raptor paused for a minute, thankful that he only had to worry about the lawyers. He knew they'd be after Eildath, too, so he didn't have to worry about him. Then he saw an Imperial drop-ship land nearby, he walked over, ready to kick some AT-AT butt, when he discovered LFL's newest suprise. The Shapiro-class law/walker descended from the drop ship's ramp. Raptor glared silently at the abomination. It shined in its new Armani armor plating, its twin subpoena projection cannons primed and ready. Raptor took his 'Mech into a defensive posture, and prepared for the fight of his life. Eric Lee Cline, college student and galactic hitchhiker (elclin0@pop.uky.edu) Eildath the Dark, Emperor-apparent of the New Imperium Raptor One, pilot of The Raptor (a Marauder) and displaced in the SW galaxy -------------------- *From: James Joseph Cook Subject: Even More Fluff Date: Thu, 25 Jan 1996 12:38:58 -0500 (EST) "Alderaan" Higgenbottom watched the comotion from behind an overturned Domjot table. He had wanted a peice of these Lucas Inquisitors for a long while, but nothing was going to tear him away from savoring the last few sips of his Extra Large Brass Rancor; after all, enemies are enemies, but a good Brass Rancor is a drink. "Alderaan" took a last pull at his drink, letting it gently wash over hs toungue, and then he got down to business. If what was happening to the Inquisitors' other victims was any indication, he could soon expect to meet some old friends. There, right accross the room, was one of "Alderaan"'s newest conquerors. Barely leaving Higgenbottom time to draw his trusty whip, the black clad, masked and gloved man charged him,brandishing a vibro-blade. "Alright, Fruit Punch, let's dance!", "Alderaan" yelled, cracking his wip, and then lashing it out at F.P.'s vibro-blade. Deftly pulling his adversary's blade out of his fingers, Higgenbottom used his other hand to draw his blaster. "This is it, Fruit Punch, you killed my sister and my favorite waiter and got off scott free....now justice will be done!" The last thing that F.P. Sampson ever saw was the bright flash of a blasterbolt headed straight at his face. Before the former shocksphere star's body could hit the floor, another old acquaintance of "Alderaan" made his appearence. This old friend was a little less than two meters tall, dressed in denim pants and a leather jacket, with a bandolier of shotgun-shells accross his chest, and a sawed off in his right hand. The flesh of half his face was burned away, revealing bright metal components beneath, and a glowing red eye. It was The Liquidator! "You always said that you'd be back." Higgenbottom drew his blaster and began filling The Liquidator's torso with blasterbolts. His target shook off most of the bolts, suffering damage only to his "skin". The sawed off came up, the remaining half of The Liquidator's mouth curled into a cruel smile. "Hasta la vista...baby!" Metal finger pulls back on the trigger, sending a cloud of depleted uranium pellets toward Higgenbottom. Everything for "Alderaan" moved in slow motion, he could see each pellet outlined against the harsh glare of Tattoo I and II. "Alderaan" Higgenbottom's life passed before his eyes in an instant. The battle with the cyborg aliens and thier cubical ship. His time travel adventure in a galaxy far in the futer, far far away. The time he and his best friend Howard and their whacky crew running an anti-Empire pirate holo broadcast. His mission to recover the Cloak of the Prophet Zarquon. The great expidition to rid the Vanna system of the horrible infestation of exoskeletal aliens, and the Predetors that had set them loose to hunt. "Alderaan" waited, it seemed like hours for the pellets to strike his chest, turning his torso into a picture window. Suddenly, a gunmetal blue form dropped from the ceiling into the path of the onrushing shot. "CLANG!!!!" the figure took the blast square in the center of it's metallic body. Time speeded up again for "Alderaan". He lashed out with his whip, pulling a blaster rifle that had been discarded by one of the other combatants over to him. A compartment in the metallic figure's leg opened, and it pulled out a mean looking heavy blaster. The Liquidator pumped his shotgun again, chambering another shell, but "Alderaan" blew the sawed-off into tiny peices. The metallic figure closed on The Liquidator, blasting and blasting with his pistol. The Liquidator tried to retaliate, but it was no use, soon his shiny opponent stood over him. The Liquidator's remaining eye glowed weakly up, staring at his metallic opponent's biological face, beneath it's helmet. "You're coming with me!" The Liquidator opened his shattered mouth and spoke, "You'll never take me functioning, RoboProfessor!" and with that, he self Liquidated. Higgenbottom rushed over to the metallic figure "DAD!" "Ernest!" "Dad, my name is Alderaan." "The Shelaht's name was Alderaan." ----to be cntinued JiM who wonders why there's nothing better to do than this at George Washington -------------------- *From: Tenandys Qural Subject: Re: Even More Fluff Date: Thu, 25 Jan 1996 13:47:20 -0500 (EST) I swear, this thing is every bit as addicting as the originals. Can't write just one... Heh. *** [Initialize Narrative Sequence now...] Tenandys Qural was beginning to think that staying under his table was a particularly fine idea. All around him, things were turning into a sort of primordial science fiction chaos, as though the laws of utter reality were breaking down, intermingling every sordid game idea ever taken and thrown into this galaxy. He had taken quick inventory of his supplies, while he'd been waiting. He was still carrying a sealed can of Sp*m, a worn Lemur Penny, and handful of invisible lint. He also had his finely crafted Kyanin lightsaber, but he doubted that would be of any help right now. He looked around, wondering where to go from here. A pair of leather bound things with white skin, various artistic lacerations, and a gleaming brass cube were proselytizing to a young, bored girl nearby.... heaven to some, Hell to others. Really, Kirstie, so eager to play, so reluctant to -" The sounds of breaking glass interrupted this weird speech, and a young human male came striding through the wreckage, clutching at a writhing, weirdly built cyberarm. His hair stood out in all directions, and a wind was billowing his red cloak out around him. He was wearing a white t-shirt saying something about Mega-Tokyo. There was a slight noise, and Qural looked around to see a russett furred Squib crouching nearby. It was Sultan, his brother in law's best friend. "Oh, hi. What are you doing here?" "Someone has to rescue you..." "Point." Inquisitors milled around the room, beating random combatants senseless. One of them stepped up. "Hey, quit ignoring us!" Qural gritted his teeth. He hated when people whined like that. But it was true. In the ensuing melee, the Inquisitors weren't actually fighting, so much as they were cleaning up the rubble. "So, what's going on here, Sultan?" The Squib looked reflective for a second or two. "Well, narrative plot device that I seem to be, I'll tell you." More glass breaking. This time, a quartet of femmes in poowered armor had taken out a window and were laying waste to teh patrons. On the shoulder of one, the words "hard suit" were discernible. "While there is a wealth of information to be had within the galaxy, with its so-called thousand thousand stars, tihngs often go slightly awry within, opening temporary holes in reality where other *places* slip through. Something gets borrowed here, stolen there, used for effect somewhere else... Normally, on an individual scale, it isn't noticed." Sultan gestured out at the raging battle, a mess of bodies, catch phrases, and weird technology. Not far off, a ragged man was standing on top of a table, gesturing with a blaster carbine. "This is my *boom* stick! A Sorosuub/Remington -" His words were drowned out briefly by a wave of breaking bottles and heads being busted. "- manufactured in *Grand Rapids, Michigan*!" "But when it starts getting counted on a galactic scale, like this, you start having problems. Especially when things that are sources of Canon start mingling in and throwing the balance off. Look, over there! That's what's causing this..." A group of what appeared to be Space Marines were laying waste to scores of combatants. Qural squinted, making out the words on a pin one was wearing. "What's that say? 'Is this going to be a stand-up fight, or just another bug hunt?' Huh? Why are they the source of all this?" Sultan scowled. "They're in the new Anderson Novel, 'Darkthingy.' THe one where the Empire builds a superweapon, and a new breed of Wampa gets onboard. Hand stands around doing nothing, Leia has more children, and Luke whines. I think they even bring Daala back to be incompetent and blow things up." "Ah," Qural said, the light dawning. "So, once a slight rift opened, all sorts of things spilled through... And these Inquisitors are trying to clean it up, even though they're just cleaning up the discrepancies that *aren't* in novel form..." "You call that 'slight'?!? And yeah, that's pretty much the score. Anyway, I think we'd best get out of here, look, it's getting even worse..." Among the carnage, a man in a red jumpsuit accompanied by three droids was looking confusedly aroun. One of the robots, a gold one with spindly arms and legs was speaking. "I don't understnad, Joel. Where's the wit? Where's the biting satiric commentary?" "I don't know, Crow. I don't think we're in Kansas anymore..." Tenandys turned back to Sultan. "So, what's your plan?" "Well, it just so happens that I have my new mech, the StarStrike parked outside, near the StarGate that I set up. We can escape from this tat way." Qural smiled. "Gee, nothing like using the situation to our own advantage, eh?" Sultan grinned back. "I never said *we* weren't guilty here..." [Pause Narrative Segment now...] *** And I think, on that note, I'll bow out of this carnage... Unless someone has a use for poor old Ten. (I get this fearful picture of Admiral Angie making her usual lurid comment about chasing Qural's tail - again... Heh.) Tenandys -------------------- *From: Tony Case Subject: Re: Lightchainsaw (was: Fluff) Date: Thu, 25 Jan 1996 12:30:11 -0800 (PST) On Thu, 25 Jan 1996 connorbd@bc.edu wrote: > > >Please, do. Actualy I've got so many NPCs I have to build for my in > >person game, I dont see me having time to do it. The most thought I've > >given to it was it was probably much harder to use, but has a higher > >damage than a regular saber. (Like about maybe a D or so more, but not > >much higher). > > The lightchainsaw was invented as a joke during the days of the Purges. Two ... > heroic (blaster deflection without Force aid) This is fiendish. I have to use it now. Thanks for the legwork... -------------------- *From: Landon C. Darkwood Subject: Re: Random Fluff (was Re: "cannon") Date: Thu, 25 Jan 1996 18:19:04 -0500 (EST) ***CONVERSATION BETWEEN LANDON C. DARKWOOD AND ME, THE GM*** Darkwood: No. Not another fluff. I won't do it. Me: Aw, c'mon, Ten put Adol there already! You gotta do it. DW: Forget it. It won't happen. Me: Heh, that's what you think. ***NARRATIVE*** The Head Inquisitor looked over his shoulder to see Landon's entrance. "Hey, you," he called. "Are you canon?" Darkwood's ocean gaze met the robed Inquisitor's for a moment. "Do I look canon to you?" With that, he drew his blaster and let fly his trigger finger. Red blasts of death flew across the room, only to be deflected by a flick of the Inquisitor's lightsaber and sent flying back toward Landon. "NO!" came a cry from behind the freighter pilot as a yellow (to satisfy Balbo), glowing blade deflected Landon's bolts back at the Inquisitor. Landon jumped aside, letting Adol and the other play a while, and was almost killed by the wild swing of...nothing.... Fumbling for his blaster again, Landon fired and heard an impact in the air directly in front of him. "Defel," he said, as more blaster fire came in from the north. Jumping behind a table for cover, he could see more Inquisitors and random-looking troops coming in from all over. Suddenly, an intermission occured.... ************************************* ...and just as suddenly, it stopped. Adol and the Inquisitor were at it hard. The blaster bolts that Landon had fired were suspended in lightsaber deflection after lightsaber deflection. The referee sat in a high chair, overseeing the contest. As the tension mounted, Adol laid a deft backhand that sent a bolt flying past the Inquisitor's guard, and the other bolts followed. "Love-Fifteen!" called the referee. The Impie looked up. "Are you canon?" The ref shook his head. "Good," came the sneer, with a quick hand gesture. "Kill him." A trooper turned around and fried the ref's head with a blaster rifle shot. Adol frowned. "That was really low." The Head Impie smiled. "You bet! And guess what? I'll get Character Points for it, too." He approached Adol, saber in hand. In the meantime, Landon had been fired at by at least everyone with a blaster in the establishment. The property damage was tremendous, especially for the low budget at which these second-rate fluffs are usually written. Cornered into the bar, Landon let loose a flurry of shots from his blaster at whatever he saw when he came into the line of fire. Unfortunately, nothing emanated from the barrel. Landon looked up at his GM. "I rolled a one on the wild die. Don't even laugh." Booming laughter was heard from above. Landon growled and went behind the bar for cover, but suddenly slipped on something and managed to flip up over the bar and land in front of it. He looked back at his feet -- a bowl of Tekka nuts. "Damn," he said as the blasters were trained on him. "Must have been a mishap." This was it. It was all over. What a bad way to go, killed in some fluff that wasn't even Spam-related. Cursing a certain Leonard Balsera for the final time, he closed his eyes. The ceiling of the place ripped away into the sky with a loud roar. Landon looked up in shock along with everyone else in the room. A large brown porcupine peeked in its head and looked around. "Dinsdale?" "When everything seems to be going along well, that's the perfect time to panic." -Voren Na'al, New Republic Historian Captain Landon C. Darkwood Adol Larynth, Jedi Knight darkwood@shadow.net; a027280t@bcfreenet.seflin.lib.fl.us -------------------- *From: elclin0@service1.uky.edu Subject: Re: Even More Fluff Date: Thu, 25 Jan 1996 04:52:33 +0100 Raptor's PPCs had little effect on the ShapiroMech. Things looked hopeless, when Raptor got a brilliant idea. He brought up the 'Mech's e-mail system and typed a message to the pilot of the enemy 'Mech. All it said was "countersuit." With a whine of metal, the ShapiroMech exploded and faded out of existance. Things were starting to look strange now. He saw shuttlecraft with the legend NCC-1701-E on the side flying down. He shot them out of the sky. The SciFi worlds were joining, and he didn't know how to stop it. He watched as a ship, which his sensors identified as The Heart of Gold, drift down and settle in the midst of the fray. A middle-aged british man walked out and said, "So this is it, we're going to die." Raptor could only see one solution. Tatooine would have to be destroyed. Every fiber in his being protested it, and he knew why. If he destroyed the planet, or at least Mos Eisely, the conjunction would cease. The only problem was that, if he lived, vicious Continuity Demons would destroy him, while restoring all that was here originally, before the crossover. Raptor decided that death was not a good alternative, but it seemed the only way. Raptor thought some more. "F**k it," he said. "Let them fight. I don't give a damn how excrementally stupid it is, but its how things are, and destroying Tatooine won't stop it. Yes, it is Hell, but it's merry Hell." He switched on his external speakers. "C'mon, you sorry excuses for SciFi characters, have at you!" Raptor's 'Mech dove back into the battle with reckless abandon, his fate uncertain. The worlds had converged, continuity destroyed, and the canon... was fired. Eric Lee Cline, college student and galactic hitchhiker (elclin0@pop.uky.edu) Eildath the Dark, Emperor-apparent of the New Imperium Raptor One, pilot of The Raptor (a Marauder) and displaced in the SW galaxy -------------------- *From: elclin0@service1.uky.edu Subject: Re: Random Fluff (was Re: "cannon") Date: Thu, 25 Jan 1996 19:57:16 -0500 (EST) "Dinsdale?" Raptor looked up from the fighting. "Did you just see Spiny Norman?" "No, and neither did you," Jade said. "What are you doing here?" "ERIC, wise and egotisitcal writer of this fluff segemnt, put me here." "But aren't you his brother's PC?" "Yes, but what he doesn't know..." Jade jumped down and unloaded his light repeater into a pack of Barney dolls, while Raptor stepped on a troupe of Smurfs. Jade, smuggler extraordinaire, was having a great time. "I just love how ERIC goes easy on the rules." "That's because he's not a very experienced GM." "So, he almost never gives out DSPs," Jade said as he blew away E.T. and a baby Ewok. Suddenly the field was empty. Non-canon characters scattered left and right. Ten Imperial Lawyers stood in tight formation. "Are you canon?" Raptor smiled wickedly and downed some Tekka Nuts (which, BTW, ERIC would love to know more about). "No," he said, "but these are." His right arm PPC plowed through the troops like a knife through Jell-o. "Strike." He noticed that Jade was gone, but didn't care. Then he noticed the Dark Lawyer of Sith in front of him. Raptor was clearly alarmed. The Sith Lawyer had with him a gang of cochrane-ches, which were small, but vicious, predators. "Come no closer!" Raptor said, in a sudden gust of bravado. "And why not?" the SL replied, Force Legislation crackling off his fingertips. "GONK!" The cochrane-ches and the SL gasped. "NO! Not the secret word, that which the unintelligent r.a.s.s.mers worship." "The same. I have seen r.a.s.s., browsed it, and lived to tell the tale. Now, stronger, I have the secret word which makes Lucasfilm cringe. GONK!" The Imps were quite clearly distressed. They could not withstand the secret word. Too late, they tried a counter attack. "ANDERSON!" "Ha, ha!" Raptor replied. "My GM likes his works, and only recognizes him erring on the play of sabacc." "VEITCH!" they tried. "KENNEDY! HAMBLY! DALEY! TYERS! THAT GUY WHO DREW EMPIRES'S END!" But it was too late. The Sith Lawyer and his cochrane-ches were destroyed. Raptor turned and headed back for what was left of the bar, to get Spiny Norman and find the other survivors of the fluff. Eric Lee Cline, college student and galactic hitchhiker (elclin0@pop.uky.edu) Eildath the Dark, Emperor-apparent of the New Imperium Raptor One, pilot of The Raptor (a Marauder) and displaced in the SW galaxy -------------------- *From: connorbd@bc.edu Subject: Fluff strikes back Date: Fri, 26 Jan 1996 01:59:51 -0500 (emergency request--can someone give me a flash summary of Tremayne via personal email ? I don't have his stats anywhere. Also, if anyone could email me some tekka nuts, I'd appreciate it. I need more alien amino acids in my diet, and they're virtually all methylcysteine-based.) STAR WARS The Inquisition CHAPTER SOMETHING The Fluff Strikes Back The last bastion of the Empire, the dreaded Canon Inquisition, has faded into the background. But an old friend of the Motesta Circle, a cop named Darvin Terjac, has learned of the existence of a number of former Inquisitioners, led by the legendary Grand Inquisitor Tremayne, and has left his post on Coruscant, risking life, limb, and paycheck to get the word to Luke and Mara Skywalker and his old friend Asher D'Jackaral on Yavin. The very existence of this timeline might be threatened if Tremayne succeeds, and Terjac is the only one who can get the word to those it affects the most, for at stake is not only the peaceful existence of the Academy but the prevention of many horrible plot devices and the Skywalker's very marriage. Chapter One The Coruscant Patrol Skipray skittered out of hyperspace, narrowly missing the mass shadow of an interdictor ship that looked like something out of the civil war. Lieutenant Darvin Terjac, former Imperial bounty hunter, now platoon commander for the civil police force in Imperial City, wasn't the tricky flyer he wished he was, especially in the slightly clumsy GAT he was flying. But he was good enough, and that was what counted now, as he skimmed the edge of the gravity cone attempting to build up slingshot momentum without getting hit by a tractor beam. "And to think I used to work for these guys... are they so stupid as to try and tractor one of these things?" wondered Darvin in amazement, reflecting that the average Skipray carried enough ordnance to render the gravity well generator inoperable. So far he was a step ahead of the tractor, which could only track one side of the cone before getting lost in the graviton emissions. Terjac checked a couple of readouts, then mentally flipped through a couple of maneuvers he'd written down for reference. He'd pulled off the slingshot maneuver only once, not long after defecting to the New Republic when some Pentastar Alignment customs weenie had insisted on checking out whether he was really only carrying his personal effects and a couple of kilos of namana candy and tekka nuts. Instead of surrendering to an authority he respected even less than the "true" Empire, Terjac rode the edge of the gravity cone to within about two meters of the ship, then stilted off the hull with his landing repulsors. It hadn't worked for him since; Terjac grimly checked his hyperdrive readouts, remembering a tractor-lock defeat maneuver he'd heard about somewhere he couldn't remember. "Arsevin, how far will we get on backups if we try the driveskid maneuver?" A petulant twitter came from an astromech in the back of the Skipray. "Is that all? Can we crank the thing up to about, oh, half-modifier?" A questioning noise, defying all naming, came from R7I2. "It's the same technology, and we can get it replaced at Yavin." Arsevin beeped twice, then emitted a sudden, rapidly rising trill. "Jettison when critical, perhaps? Besides, we only have to get out of the battlegroup. Ready on the chaff dump if we need it. I'm starting the stilt maneuver." The repulsors came on line a little too slowly, and the Skipray almost hit the Interdictor's hull as it bounced off the tractor-beam side of the gravcone. "Chaff 'em!" The Skipray emitted a cloud of reflective and conductive particles in order to fool the range sensors. Terjac was ready on the button, a normally-inert button that was now programmed to backwash the backup hyperdrive, effectively destroying it and the subspace antenna. Well, at least the main hyperdrive will still work, thought Terjac as the Skipray shot out of the rapidly-expanding chaff cloud. "Arsevin, smoke 'em. I want to know where those tracking beams are." A smoke cloud joined the chaff cloud and the targeting lasers for the tractor beam could be seen... just a little too close. "What's their acquisition time on that hardware?" [Unknown. This battlegroup is a renegade group, with no known ties.] Suddenly, a target beam that probably came from the front of the ship brushed through the cockpit and across Terjac's shoulder. "Let's go!" He whacked the button, hoping the targeting beam hadn't made the acquisition yet. Darvin smelled burning insulation and heard a crackling sound as the quantum shift turned everything into a receding blur. "Arsevin, cut over and get started on repairs. We're clear." Terjac breathed a sigh as the Skipray dropped out of hyperspace on the edge of the system, far from the battlegroup he'd just escaped. Now to calculate that course to Yavin... ------ It's late, and I have classes tomorrow. I shall continue this later, though if anyone wishes to add their own, by all means go ahead. /Coach -------------------- *From: Anya Subject: Re: Fluff Date: Fri, 26 Jan 1996 05:42:06 -0500 (EST) Oh, no... I'm writing Fluff!!!! Onto the Fluff ****************************************************************************** Katrina Siraab sat behind the bar, merrily munching on Tekka nuts as the rampant chaos went on around her. She chuckled from time to time as she munched on her steadily decreasing supply of Tekka nuts. Was she ever glad she got this dump insured. Heh, everyone said she was crazy for insuring against inquisitions, but now she could go buy a real bar with the money she'll get. No one ready for the inquisition? She sure was... An inquisitor finally took notice of the striking black haired women behind the bar. "Hey! Are you cannon?" Katrina looked up from her bowl of Tekka nuts "Nope." Then she calmly shot him in the head with her blaster. His dead body hit the bar then crashed to the floor. In the choas around, it wasn't noticed. She looked down at her empty bowl of Tekka nuts and cursed. Her new bar will *never* run out of Tekka nuts..... ************************************************************************** [Anya] Never mess with a buffed and dangerous Squib, especially if they're drunk....[Http://www2.gvsu.edu/~ducharmc] (Squib page) [Kaila] Kaila ignores Dargan. [Dargan] You're cute when you ignore me. -------------------- *From: elclin0@service1.uky.edu Subject: Re: Fluff: It's not over yet... Date: Mon, 29 Jan 1996 13:04:51 -0500 (EST) >Snap smirked. "It is the means with which the Empire will restore order to >the narrative and eradicate all those dogmatic heathen who dare question the >Inquisition!" Colonel Snap raised a fist up to the heavens. "It is the >CanonCannon! Bwahahahahhah!" > >"Are we gonna get that Ed Norton guy now?" the Stormtrooper asked. > >"No. We'll deal with him later." Snap paused dramatically, "Tell me, what do >know about Spam?" > ----Wipe back to main story---- As Raptor One continued his hunt for Spiny Norman on the planet that he mistook for Tatooine (i.e. he didn't read Tenandys' earlier posts that carefully... the lack of a desert was his first clue), Eildath the Dark recoalesced into this dimension. He used his Sith powers to stare at the fighting on the other worlds. As he gazed at Kashyyyk, he realized that the future of the New Imperium was at stake. He quickly devised a plan to protect him and his non-canon Imperium. He created an army in his clone labs. An army of morons. An army of Beavis and Butt-heads. The sheer horror of these abominations from a long time from now in a galaxy far, far away would drive anyone mad. He, too began the assault. He armed himself with two vital things: a WEG Star Wars rulebook, and a Creative License. He left knowing that with his status as an NPC (in ERIC's campaign), he was safe from GM intervention, as long as he stayed away from the areas controlled by Darkwood, because he knew he wouldn't have god-like Force powers there. His Creative License protected him from the CanonCannon, so long as he didn't mention non-canon things... especially the New Imperium. ******************** "Raptor, step outside!" "You! I knew you'd return, Eildath." The two stared viciously at each other as Raptor descended the 'Mech. This is not a smart idea, and Raptor fell from the 'Mech. He was so shocked that he missed the ground entirely, and floated there, in the air, looking rather silly. He quickly righted himself. "So, Eildath, we meet again at last. The circle is now complete. When last we met I was but a learner, but now I am the master." "No," Eildath said. "I will not submit to non canoninity." "Then prepare to die, Darksider. I am now master of a greater magic. A power known throughout the universe as..." "Let me, guess, the light side of the Force." "NO! Da Schwartz." "Oh, shit." Raptor lit up his ring and formed a saber. Eildath, sick of these non-canon rip offs, promptly vanished. Raptor looked around. "Well, thank God that I didn't say anything about Spam." Yes, I will eventually do a Spaceballs crossover (shock, horror, gasp, scream). Eric Lee Cline, college student and galactic hitchhiker (elclin0@pop.uky.edu) Eildath the Dark, Emperor-apparent of the New Imperium Raptor One, pilot of The Raptor (a Marauder) and displaced in the SW galaxy -------------------- *From: Heywood254@aol.com Subject: Re: Fluff: It's not over yet... Date: Tue, 30 Jan 1996 21:35:39 -0500 The rebel pilot raced into the restaurant. She had to move quickly through the chaos to deliver her message. The carnage was incredible. The Inquistitors in their mad attempt to restore order had unleashed the a rift in the space-time continuum, and all realities were spilling over into each other. Rebel scientists had learned that the focus of the rift was a bowl of Tekka nuts somewhere in a four star bistro in Mil Atran. A herd of Inquistitors spotted the pilot and rushed her; suddenly a man carrying a baby in one hand and pistol in the other burst through a window and started blasting the Imperials. The Inquistitors turned their attention to him and pounded him into oblivion with their staves and codices. In the confusion the pilot slipped away. ---- "Hi, Mister fuzzy head man!" the little girl said. "Uh, hi," Tenandys said, dodging the exploding daggit. "Whatcha doing?" "Trying to avoid the Great Lucas Inquisition." "Why?" "Because if they catch me, they'll retcon me out of existance." "Why?" "Because, I'm not canon." "Why?" "Because I have nothing to do with some guy named Anderson." "Okay! I love you! Bye-bye!" "Cute kid." The rebel pilot leapt behind the bar as Tenandys poured himself one last drink. "You're the cat man right? I read about you." "Well, technically, I'm not a cat man, I'm more of a-" "Whatever. Look, I'm here to deliver a message. Things are getting out of hand and the Empire is sending reinforcements. I'm supposed to deliver a warning." "To whom?" "Some guy called Idle Larynx or something." Tenandys snickered. "I think you mean Adol Larynth, he's the guy over there with the gold lightsaber." The pilot looked over the bar, "I didn't know they came in gold." "It's a custom job," explained Tenandys. "Can you tell me the message?" "I guess. It was kind of garbled. Some Imperial is supposed to show up with a new gun and a salami." "As in lunch meat?" "Maybe he's hungry. Wow! Look at that!" the pilot marveled as Raptor One's battered mech came lumbering around a corner. "Neat, huh? It's amazing what they can do with computer graphics these days." ---- "Colonel Snap reporting for duty, sir!" "Excellent," Admiral Angie said. "Does the CanonCannon work?" "Just watch," Snap said with a sneer. He aimed the cannon at a small, humanoid droid. Before it could utter a "Beedee-beedee", it vanished into the ether. "Then go get 'em!" Admiral Angie ordered. Colonel Snap marched into the fray, negating the entire cast of Baywatch as he went. ---- Adol Larynth was loosing track of who he was supposed to fight. The silver and black robots with the single moving eye looked a little like Vader but were as easy to kill as Stormtroopers. Just as he finished dealing with them, a hoard of large, domed droids rolled up loudly threatening to "Exterminate!" him with their plungers. Adol raised his saber but the attack never came. They were gone. In their place stood a lone Imperial Officer with a large bazooka-like weapon on his shoulder. The officer pointed at Adol, "You're the most dangerous one of all! Not only are you not Canon, you want to change the Canon! Prepare for oblivion!" Adol smiled. "I think you're mistaken. I AM canon," he said meaningfully, reaching out with Force. Colonel Snap howled with laughter, "Your Jedi games won't work on me! Har! Har! Har!" A small scaly creature emerged and crawled into view around Snap's neck. "Oh, dear," thought Adol Fade to Commercial Break -------------------- *From: Anya Subject: Re: Fluff: It's not over yet... Date: Tue, 30 Jan 1996 22:17:41 -0500 (EST) Here I go Again... **************************************************************************** Katrina was working on her last bottle of Duranu when she noticed that some other patrons had choosen to get behind the bar with her. She leaned over to look at the rest of the bar and saw an Imperial with a big gun and a cat with two gold lightsabers. "Hmmm, never knew they came in gold." She leaned up against the bar to watch the upcomming fight, thinking it might be intertaining. Just then on the end of the bar, she saw something that grabbed her attention immediately. It was a full bowl of Tekka nuts, just sitting there being ignored. She pushed past some woman talking to a cat, and headed straight for the Tekka nuts. Then just as she almost reached the bowl, she realized something. The Imperial had something on his shoulder. It was furry. She thought "No, it couldn't be... everyone knows the rules." She turned and looked at the Imperial again, and sure enough it was there. "Hey!" she yelled at the Imperial "We don't allow pets in her! You'll have to take that thing outside, it's a health code violation!" [Anya] Never mess with a buffed and dangerous Squib, especially if they're drunk....[Http://www2.gvsu.edu/~ducharmc] (Squib page) [Kaila] Kaila ignores Dargan. [Dargan] You're cute when you ignore me. -------------------- *From: elclin0@service1.uky.edu Subject: Re: Fluff: It's not over yet... Date: Tue, 30 Jan 1996 22:45:07 -0500 (EST) Raptor's 'Mech was set on auto fire as he climbed down towards what was left of the bar. There he saw carnage, total carnage. Bits and pieces of robots and such were strewn everywhere. The far wall was missing from where his 'Mech had entered. He had his blaster drawn and was ready to fight. As he watched Colonel Snap make grand guestures towards Adol, the Jedi with the gold, uh, yellow, uh, whatever lightsaber, another menace entered the bar. It was Beavis and Butt-head. Or, more precisely, 200 Beavis and Butt-heads. Raptor realized that this was Eildath's kind of sick joke, using the rift to bring such beings into creation. He used his beckon call to bring The Raptor around, and began to slaughter the idiots. It was harder than he thought. Eildath seemed to have taken the precaution of feeding the Beavises lots of sugar and coffee. The Beavises, or, more exactly, The Great Cornholios began to dismantle the bar. Then Raptor had a plan. He used his left PPC to bloe open the bathroom door. The Cornholios rushed in, searching for TP. When the room was filled, he disintegrated it. The Butt-heads were easy to finish off. Raptor once again entered the melee at the bar. Furiously he shot at a silent, menacingly red droid with saw blades on his arms. It had already killed three men in red jumpsuits who had materialized in the bar with a doctor and a man in an orange uniform with a bad habit for pausing between words and syllables. The droid spoke nothing as it hovered on its repulsorlifts. Suddenly another wall caved in and a black sportscar with a red sensor eye on the grill entered. The rift had grown. Outside a pair of nuclear missiles spontaneouly turned into a pot of flowers and a rather confused sperm whale. Raptor had had enough, but his battle wasn't done. An 100 foot marshmellow man tore away what was left of the roof. By now, Colonel Snap had finished preaching at Adol. Raptor scurried back into his 'Mech, for now the marshmellow man was fighting Spiny Norman. His last thoughts as he slipped on his neurohelmet were, "I wonder where Colonels Crackle and Pop are?" Eric Lee Cline, college student and galactic hitchhiker (elclin0@pop.uky.edu) Eildath the Dark, Emperor-apparent of the New Imperium Raptor One, pilot of The Raptor (a Marauder) and displaced in the SW galaxy -------------------- *From: James Joseph Cook Subject: Son of Fluff... Date: Wed, 31 Jan 1996 01:33:26 -0500 (EST) WOW! I'm really impressed, in one day we've hit Cylons, Maximillian (one of my personal favs), K.I.T.T., Pam "momma jugs" Lee and the rest of the Baywatch cast, AND Beavis and Butthead (my heros)! I don't think I'm worthy of posting the continuation of my little peice of the action. You guys are real masters of the Fluff Arts. Ah, what the hell! Here's part duex (for those of you who wanted more from part one) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- After extracating himself from his father's metallic grip, Alderaan Higgenbottom once again joined the general fray that the once tastefully decorated bistro (now something of an outdoor cafe) had become. Cats with light sabers, big war machines killing hundreds of psychotic mentally challanged teenagers in Iron Maiden T-shirts, cylons, Inquisitors, what could come next? In answer to that, a half dozen young darskinned Human males walked in through the huge hole in the wall. One was short, one was skinny, one wore a big knit hat pulled down over his face. Their leader was the fat one. "Hey, Hey....splat!" The big one never got to his third HEY before he was savagely dispatched by a trio of ravening rodents, all wearing long sweaters, who happened to run through the former dining establishment at that very moment, followed by a tall skinny human male screamin at the lead rodent. Alderaan, in possesion of the Liquidator's abandoned shotgun, went looking for some way to get out of here. He would take his father, but at the moment he was engaged in awsome combat with two big pink demons and a hard carapaced alien with a bunch of legs and even more teeth. Higgenbottom raised the shorgun, trying to get a clean shot at Col. Snap's head, when he was distracted by the sound of hundreds of small voices singing. Looking down, he saw and entire army of little blue humanoids in white pants and hats, all rallying behind one who wore red. "La lalalalala la la la la!" Went thier bestial war chant, calling upon whatever dark gods these minute devils believed. BLAM...snick BLAM...snick BLAM!!!! Alderaan blasted shot after shot at the horrible blue things, but they just kept coming. There was no hope. He had always dreamed of dying gloriously in battle against a great foe, not trampled by an army of Smurfs. Just as a group of colorfully armored martial artists could rescue Alderaan, everything seemed to stop... In the center of the room, amid swirling combatants, stood a tall man, chiseled features, salt and pepper beard, dressed in a hearders ropbe, and carrying a staff. "Who is in charge of this Inquisition?" One of the inquisitors stepped forward, fliping back his hood to reveal a shining bald pate. "I am the Grand Inquisitor, head of the Lucas Inquisition, master of all I survey, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera," replied the bald man. The robed Human looked him square in the eye and droped his staff to the ground where it became a writing serpent. "Let my people go." JiM -------------------- *From: elclin0@service1.uky.edu Subject: Fluff: The Final Battle Date: Wed, 31 Jan 1996 10:24:05 -0500 (EST) Raptor destroyed wave after wave of sentry droids sent by the large red one. In an attempt to escape, he jumped up on the bar, spilling a rather large bowl of tekka nuts. Raptor rolled a compolication on the wild die, and was hit in the head by a large rock, knocking him senseless. He managed to bring himself around after rolling a few sixes. The sentries had dragged him to several red-robed members of the Inquisitorius and put in... The Comfy Chair! Suddenly, an idea struck him. He turned to the inquistor, who was preparing to fire a CanonCannon. "Hey, why are you trying to kill me." "I'll give you one good reason. You're not canon, and you're repulsive, TWO good reasons..." "Okay, shut up. If I'm gonna die anyway, I want to know something." "What?" "WHERE THE HELL IS THE PLANET ENDOR?" "No! Not that!" the inquisitor screamed. "And, is Endor the moon, or the planet?" "Arrrghhh!!!!" "And how many sentient species live on it?" "NOOOOOOoooooooo........." The Inquistor faded out of existance. SW interior continuity had begun to break down. Raptor turned to another villain. "How did Luke learn all that stuff so fast on Dagobah?" "Why does Artoo have Force Points?" "Are the children's novels canon?" "What about Splinter of the Mind's Eye?" "The Marvel comics? I mean, why does the Dark Empire sourcebook mention Zeltrons?" Raptor had done it. Inquisitors began to die all around him, and the rift started closing. Raptor had figured out that it could take him home if he entered the rift, but he had to tell the others how to stop to inquisitors forever. Besides he sorta liked it here now. To be concluded? Eric Lee Cline, college student and galactic hitchhiker (elclin0@pop.uky.edu) Eildath the Dark, Emperor-apparent of the New Imperium Raptor One, pilot of The Raptor (a Marauder) and displaced in the SW galaxy -------------------- *From: Landon C. Darkwood Subject: Re: Fluff: It's not over yet... Date: Wed, 31 Jan 1996 22:32:00 -0500 (EST) On Tue, 30 Jan 1996 Heywood254@aol.com wrote: > > Fade to Commercial Break > And now, new I Can't Believe It's Not Ewok food specials...ummm...never mind... Fade In... Adol stood tensed, waiting for the CanonCannon to go off, nervously clutching his saber grip and realizing that he had overestimated his importance in this narrative. "I hate my GM," he said to himself. A blaster bolt flew towards Colonel Snap from somewhere near the bar. Instead of claiming the Imperial as its intended target, however, it lanced through the ysalimiri perched upon his shoulder. Snap recoiled in terror and dropped the CanonCannon. "It figures the non-Forcie would have to save everyone's ass," muttered a bedraggled looking Landon Darkwood, who approached Snap with his blaster drawn. "Now, you canon scum, apologize to my friend Adolf Hitler." The Jedi frowned. "Landon..." Darkwood merely snickered in response. Realizing that the fluff had ended, he peered downward at the CanonCannon. Suddenly, the delight in his eyes caused by having survived another narrative faded into absolute terror. "The damned thing is on overload," he muttered. Colonel Snap lauged maniacally. "That's right, non-canon demonspawn! As soon as that thing blows, everything in the galaxy will become canon again! We shall be victorious!" Adol's head dropped as his lightsaber shut down. "Yep, this blows all right. Ummm...anyone got any ideas?" "When everything seems to be going along well, that's the perfect time to panic." -Voren Na'al, New Republic Historian Captain Landon C. Darkwood Adol Larynth, Jedi Knight darkwood@shadow.net; a027280t@bcfreenet.seflin.lib.fl.us -------------------- *From: elclin0@service1.uky.edu Subject: Re: Fluff: It's not over yet... Date: Wed, 31 Jan 1996 23:50:40 -0500 (EST) >"The damned thing is on overload," he muttered. Colonel Snap lauged >maniacally. > >"That's right, non-canon demonspawn! As soon as that thing blows, >everything in the galaxy will become canon again! We shall be victorious!" > >Adol's head dropped as his lightsaber shut down. "Yep, this blows all >right. Ummm...anyone got any ideas?" Suddenly Raptor leaps forth, bearing his knowledge of Anti-Canon Defense. He looks at Snap with contempt, utter contempt, contempt that has not been equalled since. "Hey, Colonel Crap!" He said. "If that thing destroys non-canon things, wouldn't you die too? I mean, you killed the other characters of the special." "Oh, no." Snap said. "I hadn't thought of that..." "That's right. You'll end up with Beavis, Butt-head, Chewbacca's Family, the Smurfs, and all of these mad creations on the 'who-cares-if-it's-real-or-not- I'm-sorry-I-brought-up-the-subject-Empress-Jae-so-please-don't--me' planet of Endor." "No!" Snap screamed and leapt at the CanonCannon. Raptor slipped on his Schwartz ring and the two as far as he could." Far away from the city you could see the explosion and the blast wave, which mysteriously stopped a short ways from the bar. Raptor grinned, and turned to the crowd (or what was left of it). "Never underestimate the power of da Schwartz." -------- Epilogue -------- Raptor had apparently disposed of Colonel Snap. His true fate, however, remains unknown (just in case the guy who wrote for him becomes irate). The CanonCannon was destroyed. However, the rift was probably still open. Various un-SW creatures were still alive. Some of them had even managed to leave the planet. Raptor decided to hunt them down, especially if Eildath had left any Beavis and Butt-head groups alive. Adol, Tenandys, Landon, "Alderaan," and the others were left to their own devices. Hopefully the CanonCannon had been destroyed for good, but who knows. If Veitch or Anderson joined the list... THE END Eric Lee Cline, college student and galactic hitchhiker (elclin0@pop.uky.edu) Eildath the Dark, Emperor-apparent of the New Imperium Raptor One, pilot of The Raptor (a Marauder) and displaced in the SW galaxy -------------------- *From: Exar Kun Subject: Fluff: The return... Date: Thu, 01 Feb 1996 15:39:58 +0000 > > > >Eildath the Dark, Emperor-apparent of the New Imperium The booming laughter filled the conceptual arena of discusion. " So, nothing has changed, has it Dark Eildath? I'm sure you thought I was gone for good, but I Exar Kun have returned." Any would-be Sith are free to join my phalanxes.......... -------------------- *From: elclin0@service1.uky.edu Subject: Re: Fluff: The Last Word Date: Thu, 01 Feb 1996 22:29:52 -0500 (EST) >Out on the street, Raptor One's mecha disappeared. "It's a 'Mech, not a bloody damn anime mecha!" Raptor screamed as he faded out. ********** Raptor awoke in a dark place. He didn't know where he was. "So, this is Hell," he thought. "No, it's not Hell," Eildath said through the bars, smiling evilly. "It's much, much worse. Hahahahahahahaha!" Sorry, I had to write my own character out. Also, I've already compiled the Fluff in a sort of chronological order. Beat you to it? Best regards... Eric Lee Cline, college student and galactic hitchhiker (elclin0@pop.uky.edu) Eildath the Dark, Emperor-apparent of the New Imperium Raptor One, pilot of The Raptor (a Marauder) and displaced in the SW galaxy From: Heywood254@aol.com Subject: Fluff: The Last Word Date: Thu, 01 Feb 1996 19:23:32 -0500 Since my character, poor Colonel Snap, was treated so ignominously in the last installment, I hearby claim the last word of this fluff. I will also edit together the 27 (!) parts of this monstrousity and upload it the pool to save the Empress the hassle. I think I may have overused Tenandys' character a bit, if so I apologize, but dadgumit, he started it! I must say I enjoyed the heck out of this, but I swear I'll never do it again. Thanks to everyone involved. Mark H/heywood254@aol.com Without further ado... ----- Fade in from Commercial Break: Cleaning the restaurant was at this point a hopeless endeavour. Cutlery and carpeting were ruined beyond salvage. Nearly every table and chair was missing at least one leg. And the exterior and presumably load bearing wall had been blown out in the fighting exposing a spectacular view of the Mil Atran urban skyline. Nevertheless the Serv-a-bot continued to clean. It picked up all of the fallen Tekka Nuts, carefully cleaned each of any speck of dirt, put them back in their bowl and placed the bowl back on the bar before waddling off to another chore. "Share and enjoy," it said. ----- "You're pathetic!" Colonel Snap knocked debris off his uniform and the soot from his face as he crawled from the rubble of the impact crater. Admiral Angie and her straggling minions from the Great Lucas Inquisition offered no help. "Here I thought that you were gonna make a difference. Heck, you even had a super weapon!" Admiral Angie berated as Snap struggled to come to attention. "But, sir..." "Shaddup! Now because of you we've lost again. I should've known better than to rely on someone whose sole skill is bullying children." "But, sir..." "I don't want to hear your excuses. You're fired. Empty your locker and go home. You're finished in this town." "But sir!" She ignored him. "If you've got a complaint, take it to the Empress!" Admiral Angie spun around on her heels and stomped off mumbling something unpleasant about someone's furry little tail. Colonel Snap stood dumbfounded as he watched the Admiral and the surviving Inquisitors board a black Lambda shuttle and escape. He looked down in his hand. Inside was a walnut sized, faintly humming bit of gadgetry. "But sir, I managed to save the Retcon-capacitor. It's the power source of the CanonCannon..." he said finally. ----- "For the last time, my name's not Han Solo!" "Ah, come on! That hat's not fooling anyone. You do need a shave though," Katrina said. "Can I have your autograph?" The man threw up his hands in disgust and marched away. The Squib finished her drink and really needed a munchie. Where was the bowl of nuts the droid had put out a minute ago? "Hey!" Katrina shouted "Who ate all the Tekka Nuts?" Tenandys feigned innocence. "Don't look at me." ----- Colonel Snap wandered into the restaurant and slumped down at the bar next to Adol. Adol wondered if he should ready his oddly colored lightsaber. "Don't bother," Snap sighed. "Sorry about trying to erase you from existence, but I was just doin' my job, y'know?" "Um, not really," Adol said. "Well, it don't matter 'cuz I just lost my job. She fired me. Can you believe it?" "Frankly, yes," Adol admitted. "I need a drink," Snap muttered. He tossed the capacitor into an empty bowl on the bar. "Barkeep, gimme a Froth on Shakespeare's Navel. Make it a double." ----- "Sorry about being so brusque with you earlier," the unnamed Rebel pilot said to Tenandys. "It's been kind of a weird evening." "No prob," Tenandys said. "Let me guess, you're one of those brash pilots, right?" She shrugged and nodded. "At least that's what it says at the top of my sheet. My name's Kirby Connin, by the way" "Nicetameetcha. Tenandys Qural. Did anyone ever figure out exactly what happened here?" he asked. "Nope. Remember those Tekka Nuts I mentioned? That pale guy with Contraction Deficit Disorder figures that the nuts must've passed through a spatial anomaly during the salting process." "What? The Tekka Nuts caused this?" Tenandys looked down at his belly. "Yeah, they opened a rift in the space-time continuum," Connin explained. "Wow. Good nuts." Tenandys reached over Adol and snagged the last one. "Um, Tenandys?" Adol said. "That's not a..." Colonel Snap said as Tenandys popped it his mouth. Tenandys swallowed. "Ahhh! Hm. That didn't go down quite right. Hey, why is everyone looking at me funny?" *Burp* Suddenly the contents of Tenandys' stomach were removed from Canon. "Hey, I'm hungry again!" With the Canon distorting nuts themselves removed from Canon, the rift began to seal. Surviving Smurfs dissolved in nothingness. Several dozen angst ridden, spandex wearing, superpowered teenagers evaporated. A short guy in a fake looking duck suit returned whence he came. The last remaining Butthead disappeared with nary a "huh huh." The fake Han Solo was next. Followed by the foppishly dressed, sword wielding fellow the fake Han Solo was convinced was his father. Out on the street, Raptor One's mecha disappeared. Then the people at the bar. Katrina knocked back a final shot of Lum and was gone. "Cool," Alderaan Higgenbottom said as he watched himself go transparent. Colonel Snap was resigned to his fate, and he and Connin, the ever so brash pilot, vanished. "You've really done it this time, Ten," Adol said as he and Landon faded. Tenandys looked around the wrecked, deserted restaurant. "I am NOT paying for this mess," he declared finally. Then everything went white. Then black. ----- Tenandys Qural was sitting quietly at a table overlooking the Mil Atran skyline, a glass of fine Ledgene Brandy rolling gracefully between his fingers. Braised fillet of Morgansin Lito with Teishe Sauce steamed on his plate over a bed of perfectly cooked White Jela Grains, filling the air with a savory tang. Across the table, with her back to the view sat Lilla Coulter, former HoloNews reporter. She was dressed elegantly in warm tones of ivory and teal, setting off her deep auburn hair and pale eyes. The two of them always presented a sharp contrast - with his stark white mane and silky black body fur, Qural guessed that he was a contrast to most, but tonight, with a white tuxedo, he looked like something out of a felinoid fashion magazine. A wave a nausea came over Tenandys and quickly passed. "Are you okay?" Lilla asked. "Yeah. It must've been something I ate." -------------------- *From: Mike Overbo Subject: Fluff Epilogue: Scenes from the Comfy Chair Date: Thu, 01 Feb 1996 19:37:05 -0600 (CST) I read the ending, and realized that I had contributed to this thing, and had left Baadu sitting in the comfy chair. And since I'm soooooo sure that you were all on the edge of your seats, wondering what was going to happen to him (sarcasm), I figured I'd write a little epilogue. With all apologies to heywood (and Tenandys, for screwing up his date. . .) And _no_, Biirta doesn't usually wear dresses. have a nice day! _mcmike_ overbom@stolaf.edu ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Biirta Baadu was not in good shape. He had languished in the Comfy Chair for days now, and there was no sign of letting up. His ribs were terribly bruised, perhaps broken, from continuous prodding with the Soft Cushions. They had made him read the narrative of the fluff, (which had gone rather poorly, in his estimation) and he looked much worse for wear. Corporal Crackle looked at him with a hard eye. "Still won't talk? Perhaps you'd like another break for tea?" "No!" gasped Baadu. "Please, no!" Corporal Crackle signaled to one of his underlings, a promising young recruit by the name of Private Pop. "Cover him up with the Fuzzy Blanket. And make him wear the warm slippers." Baadu almost passed out with fright. He was already wearing the Comfortable Robe, and he had been forced to take a nap on the Nice Couch. If he wanted to get away, he had to do it quick. Otherwise he was dead. The Force was his only friend here, and he was going to have to do a blind teleport; he didn't have the strength to find his position in the galaxy. He shut his eyes, and vanished. ----------------------- The next thing Baadu knew, he was wearing a lovely dinner dress. It was rather revealing, and generally not the type of dress that he would usually wear. Groggy-eyed, surprised, and weary, he looked up to see a very surprised looking feline character. "Killian, you've changed quite a bit in the last half-second, and I rather dislike it." Tenandys squinted his eyes a bit. "Oh, hi, Baadu. Haven't seen you since the lawyer thing. What's up?" "Not much. How about you?" "I'm taking a gorgeous newsreporter on a date." Baadu sat and thought for a moment. "I'm hardly what they call 'a gorgeous news reporter', Tenandys. Jeez, this dress is trashy; you couldn't pay me to wear it outside." There was another long pause. "Oh, christ, Ten. You're on the spice again, aren't you?" "Nah, Baadu, you worry too much. And the dress looks fabulous on you; have some nuts."