The Christmas FLUFF or The Fat Man Comes To Town By: Jeff Wright, jfwright@stream.com The Drake, ahschuma@inst.augie.edu MSTR Trench, trench@juno.com Christian Rick, rick@bahnhof.se Rhoon, genin@bridge.net Nathan Sandberg, ntsandbe@inst.augie.edu Mike (Leszek Karlik), bear@wlkp.ternet.pl Matt Francis, rkf@globalnet.co.uk ______________________________________________________________________________ (Jeff Wright, jfwright@stream.com, "The Fat Man Comes To Town") Dirk Starlighter was just beginning to really enjoy himself. He was in one of his favorite bars, Discotecha(28-hours of the best Disco hits in the last decade), he had just had his second Nova Dry(of course with a freshly squeased lime on top), and had just gotten his dinner order from the waitress, A nice juicy Spam-burger covered with Barbeque sauce, Loo-cow cheese, and jalpeno peppers, on a beautiful Poppy seed bun. When suddenly a disturbance caught his attention. "Now hey there you have been a naughty boy this year," bellowed a rather big gentleman dressed in a Big Red coat with a big white stripe in the front. He also seemed to have very rosy cheeks, and a big white beard. "Now listen here pops, hand over the bag and everything will be all right," stated a fairly threatening Rodian pointing a blaster pistol at the big mans belly. "But, I can't stated the chubby man, these are gifts for good boys and girls throughout the galaxy," replies the chubby man. "You owe me, Santa man, you lost fair and square now it is time to piper." "Awe, a pipe is that what you would like, will I might have one of those in my bag let me check," the big man began to rummage through his bag, "Ahh yes here is one, now just let me check to see if it works." The chubby guy put the pipe up to his lips and blew. Suddenly the Rodian slapped his neck and fell to the ground. "Oh dear," said the big red bloke, "It would seem I picked up the wrong pipe, oh well since you won't be needing this anymore my friend, I will just be relieving you of it." He then bent down and picked up the fallen Rodians blaster and deposited in his bag. He then sniffed the air and looked over towards Dirk. "Ahhh, spam my favorite." The chubby man then began to move towards Dirk waddeling his way through the crowd........ ********** (The Drake, ahschuma@inst.augie.edu, "FLUFF: Watching"> The rodian hit the floor. Until now, Drake hadn't paid much attention. He just sat quietly in his darkened booth drinking his Fluff-Lite and looking over the stolen specs for the Canon Cannon. Life had been slow, and the service slower. He saw the big man go for some poor shmo's Spam-burger when he saw his shaply serving girl head his way with his own burger. "Fat man better not try to pull that with me.", he mumbled as he cast dark thoughts around the room. "Gotta love good Fluff and a burger." ********** (MSTR Trench, trench@juno.com, "FLUFF: The Other Perspective") "Well you have been a very naughty boy, haven't you?" stated Kriss. "Now listen Pops, hand over the bad and everything will be all right." Kriss had never seen such threatening demeanor out of a child. "But I can't," he stated. "These gifts are for good boys and girls all over the galaxy." And to an assistant, he whispered, "Get the bag ready for Endor. I heard they're REALLY good over there." "Look Santa man, you lost fair and square and now it's time to piper." The green thing didn't lower the object in his hand. Piper? thought Kriss. "A pipe you would like? I might have one." Behind him, his assistants giggled at his stupidity. "Shut up, you stinking bastards," he whispered. "Oh, so I do have a pipe." He blew it and the green thing fell to the ground. Kriss wanted the thing in the creature's hand, so he deposited it in his bag. He was sure some nice Ewok on Endor would have fun with such a toy. He smelled SPAM. Luscious SPAM. Slowly he turned and looked into the terrified face of one man. "Aaaahhhh....SPAM. My favorite." He wiggled his huge bulk through the crowd. When he reached the SPAMBurger, he gobbled it up in one colossal bite. Then he spied another SPAMBurger next to an interested man. A waitress had just served the burger to him. Santa got up and made a mad dash...... .........He plowed headlong into the waitress. "Oh, my pretty one, do you want gifts too!!!" It was all the recently served man could do to pull Kriss Kringle off of the woman. Santa tried to run after her, but she had gotten away and he was left with somebody holding him by the arms........... ********** (Christian Rick, rick@bahnhof.se, "FLUFF: Watching") "Hmm, Spam-burger orderings have incresed with 564.45% this last week" thought IG-87, Discotecha's Assasin/Cooking Droid. "This means that I must find a way to increase the spam-burger production". IG-87's Non-Logic curcuits started working, "To archive this goal I must create a totally new Dam Dam Dam... (Bad drum imitation) Super SPAM-burger Machine!!!! To build this machine I will need 54 Blasters, 1 SSD , 1/543534534 Death Star and a Canon Cannon. I have all the blasters, the SSD and the 1/543534534 Death Star. But were the @#!@# will I find a Canon Cannon, and remind me of removing my #!@# censoring curcuits!!!" IG-87 rushes out of the room totally forgetting all the SPAM-burgers he has left in the oven only to collide with a extremly fat man dressed in red. ********** (The Drake, ahschuma@inst.augie.edu, "FLUFF: Drake Makes His Move") "Dear lord! He's coming for my burger!", Drake thought as he saw the large, red man oozing his way toward him with surprising speed. He quickly remembered the words of his Dark Jedi teacher, Shed Allotablood: "Whatever the cost, protect the Spam!" Drake had no choice. He grabed his burger and dodged left an instant before the fat man slammed into his booth. The table crashed to the floor under the man's emmense weight. He quickly surveyed the room for any other potential threats to his Spam-burger. "Get me a doggy bag! NOW!", he screamed to a nearby waitress. The waitress reached behind the counter and pulled out a small white bag. Drake made a mad dash for the door, swipping the bag from her outstretched hand as he flew by. As he cleared the entrance of the bar, he could hear the rumblings of the fat man getting up. "Come on! Think!" Quickly Drake got an idea. He decided to run for his ship, the Vermithrax Traitor, and make a dash for the stars. It was his only choice. "Protect the Spam!", he cried as he ran into the crowd. ********** (Jeff Wright, jfwright@stream.com, "FLUFF: The Dark Side Of The Clauses") Suddenly there was a loud explosion as one side of the Club blew inward, strewing debris and filling the room with smoke. Small green people began entering the room. And then a large female figure began to step through the hole blown through the wall. "SANTA, I know you are here where are you," bellowed the big woman again dressed in red. "NO," Santa bellowed, suddenly he began struggling fiercely in the bouncers hands. "NO," again bellowed Santa and suddenly the bouncer let go of Santa and began clutching his throat, then fell to the floor quite dead. Santa then began a mad dash towards the back of the club. More little green elves entered through the back. Brandishing some strange type of weapon. Santa dropped to the floor and hid behind a table. Just as the elves began to open fire on all sides. Dirk who has been sitting at his table trying to enjoy his food now also dropped to the floor. Pulled out his beloved blaster pistol and began to make towards Santa. "Come out, come out wherever you are.", shout Mrs. Claus, "Are you over there?" Mrs. Claus extended a hand and blue lightning shot out and disintegrated a table, "or perhaps over here?" again lightning shot out of her hand and disintegrated another table. ********** (Christian Rick, rick@bahnhof.se, "FLUFF: Am I Suposed To Put A Title Here?") "#¤£@$ #£@$@£4 £$@£" the first voice said. "What??" the second voice said. "I said that the SPTMBU Scanner is detecting a trace!" the first voice said. "The what?" the second voice replied. "The 'Stolen plans that might be usefull' Scanner (tm)" the first voice said. "The what???" the second voice said. "Stand by, I'm loading the memory bank back-ups" the first voice said. IG-87 suddenly regained all his memories, he was an Assassin/Cooking droid on a mission. Nothing could stop him, exept for engine failure, headache, fat men dressesd in red... He ran a system check "All sy, sy, sys, systems are functioning within #@!#$& parameters..." his tactical computer said. "Damn that censouring circuit, it's started censouring everything" he said to himself. "Alert! The SPTMBU Scanner have picked up a trace. A man carrying stolen canon-cannon plans have just leaved the building" his tactical computer once again spoke. IG-87 looked around after the exit, and when he found it he grabbed hes bag and used the exit as most people use exits. He walked out through it. Behind him he heard a booming voice saying "Have you been naughty this year?" and after a few seconds the same booming voice said "Come back with my bag!!!". ********** (Rhoon, genin@bridge.net, "FLUFF: A Entry") As Rhoon quietly walks in the door, just after he was almost run over by a mad man yelling, "Save the SPAM!!". Rhoon continues in, dusting himself off, just as he is about to order a drink, he takes notice of the Big man dressed in red, a Rodian on the flood, appearing to be quiet dead. Rhoon looks around the bar, thinking he made a big mistake walking in here, when suddenly an explosion takes place, and a hole in the wall appears, as debrie and smoke fill the room, Rhoon takes cover, and decides not to order a drink after all, but to pull his blaster out, and take a look around the room as much as he can, considering he is peeking out from behind the corner of the bar, only to see what appears to be a crazed older woman, scream, for someone named Clause. Rhoon decides to take cover behind a table, then, watching other tables start to disappear with an tiny explosion, he runs back over to the bar, dives over it, and lands in the middle of the rectangular bar, seeing other waiting staff, and the bartender hiding behind it themselves, as he says to the others around him, "I guess this would be a bad time to order a drink, no?". Before the bartender can say anything, another explosion is heard, and screams join the sound of flying debrie. Rhoon takes out a note pad, and makes a special note NOT to come back to this bar, if anything is left standing. Rhoon pokes his head up cautiously, and confusingly looks around for someone to shoot at, but seeing neither which is good, or which is bad, he waits awhile longer, to see if he can get out of the bar, alive. ********** (MSTR Trench, trench@juno.com, "FLUFF: The Dark Side Of The Clauses") As Santa fell to the floor, dead, Kaal Ironfist happened to walk right into the bar with his family. "Oh, no," he said. "We always stumble into the wrong place, folks," he said, drawing his blaster. "Who's that woman over there with the blue lightning?" "Uhhh....Dad....." said his son Exar, tugging on his jacket, "Pardon my Wookiee, but I think we should get the #$!#@ out of here....." "And miss this? No way!!!" "Kaal, dear, I think your son is right," said his wife. "There's already two dead people here, and-" "Who's that fat man?" Kaal said in awe. A little man in a green suit rushed up to him. "He Mr. Claus. Was our master." Kaal dispatched him with a quick shot of his blaster. "Kaal!!!" shouted his wife in horror. "I don't trust people who wear green on Thursdays," he replied. "Dad.....it's Monday." "So it is. But that's irrelevant. I think we should have a talk with that woman." Mrs. Claus was very displeased with visitors. She attempted to roast Kaal, but he stepped aside, and a little green man was hit by the lightning. Kaal took this opportunity to fry the woman's head. She soon joined her husband. The little green men started to jump around frantically. "What to do!! What to do!! Must save Christmas!! Must save Christmas!!" "Christmas?" said Kett Ironfist tentatively. "Excuse me," came a voice from his side. "I am Rhoon. I would like to thank you. What brings you here?" "Well," said Kaal, putting an arm around Lhana, "A family vacation." "Seems it got spoiled." "Well, maybe. We're allright, though, and I hope that assassin droid cook is still here." "He just left....." said Rhoon. "Kaal, you could do without your ale for today," his wife scolded him. "Fine, then. Well, I must be off....by the way, what's Christmas?" Rhoon looked thoughtful. "This fat guy brings gifts to all the good children in the galaxy. Or so they say." Kaal laughed. "He seems to be a frivolous guy, coming to a Disco." But Rhoon was gone, and Kaal did not follow him. "Well, folks, what do you want to do now?" Lhana sighed. "Let's go home." An idea sprung to Kaal's face. "The droid.....the bag of gifts.....ah-hah!!!" "What?" "We're going to find that droid. Are you game?" Lhana looked worried. "I'm not going." Exar smiled. "Count me in, Dad." "Kett and Antara are too young," she said. "They'll stay with me." "Very well," said Kaal, handing them some credits. "Find a nice hotel. I'll see you soon." He kissed his wife, and beckoned to his son. They walked away...away from the hideous SPAM, away from the fat man, towards his destiny....a nice big bag of GIFTS!!!! ....But what's this? A large, nine-branched candelabra in the street....with GIFTS? "Excuse me, but what is this?" he asked. "This is called a menorah. We are celebrating Hanukah." "Of what species are you?" "We are Jewish." "Do you give gifts?" "Certainly." "Can I take a business card? I may want to convert." "Sure thing." And with that, Kaal continued on. ********** (The Drake, ahschuma@inst.augie.edu, "FLUFF: Still Running") Drake ran through the crowd as fast as he could manage. Jawa's other small aliens almost tripped him several times. He stopped to quickly kick a Squib in the gut. "I am a Dark Jedi. Got to do something nasty to keep in practice!" Laughing as he ran, he arrived at docking bay 12-25. The Vermithrax Traitor was running some diagnostics by itself again. "How are you today, Drake?", the computer asked. "Fine. Get me out of here now! My Spam-burger is getting cold!", Drake shouted. "Alright.", it responded. "Oh, I thought you should know that I have been monitoring an assasin/cooking droid following you." "Great! Just what I need; a homicidal Julia Child!" Drake punched in the coordinates for the system only he knew about. A secret hide-away for Dark Jedi. . . . . . . the AOL system! He secured his Canon Canon plans in both Vermithrax's main computer and his personal datapad and he bit into his luke-warm Spam-Burger. "Oh!", exclaimed Drake. "I need some Fluff-Lite! A burger aint a burger without Fluff!" Drake quickly entered some new coordinates for a quick beer-run. To where, no one knows. . . . yet! ********** (Nathan Sandberg, ntsandbe@inst.augie.edu, "FLUFF: The Night The Brash Pilot Stole Christmas") Twas alot of days before christmas and all through the galaxy not a Capital ship slept soundly not even the Eclipse. When all the sudden I was awakened by the sound of a Christmas fluff was beginning. I then rushed to the ill fated bar to get my self an upgrade in the space vehicle department. I arrived on planetside in my modified Y-wing,the Heart Breaker, to the laughing hordes as they gawked at the large speakers attached to the hull. "Stupid" the ugliest of them yelled at me as I got out. "No one can hear that sound system in space." Feeling the sudden urge I lept back into the soundproof cockpit of the Heart Breaker and fired up the powerful amplifiersas I slid in the most appropriate holocube for the season, a Ramonnes Christmas. As the keyed up the ejection seat codes, I laughd about the pain the crowd was suffering and laughed as I saw the ugly tart who launched the orriginal taunt at him actually feeling the groove of "Do you want to dance" Feeling the sudden rush of air as I was thrown from the ship, a new part of my conciousness became aware of the fact that I had forgotten to pack my chute. Drawing on the Dark side I bent the universe up to meet me as I started to fall. Fortunately it caused no outside effectto anyone else, the ground though did feel a little mushy. Allowing reality to assume its normal properties everything gained their normal properties. Marking two newly aquired DSPs to my character sheet, I opend my mind to the powers of the world then to find the object of my desire. After a momment I found what I searched for. It was less than a houndred yards from where it was supposed to be. Making a bee line for the sealed docking bay I encountered little problems, but encountered many short little unfamilliar aliens who were easily tripped by a quick movement of the foot. In no time I stood before it... The SLEIGH OF SANTA The absolute pinnicle in starfighters. A ship that ran not on convential power systems, but the power of reindear. Not detectible by convential systems if properly equipped it would be the deadlist vehicle in the galaxy but usable only a limited amount of time (Reindear are strong, but not that strong). Taking the reins he got them to move on at blaster point and sent them up into the void of space. Laughing all the way Rexon Allotton scoffed at the ease of which he was able to get the Sleigh into hyperspeed and far from the grubby hands of the other fluffsters andmarveled at how easy it would be to hunt his life long enemy in this marvel and that he was able to get by Imperial Tranponder checks by merely adding a single t to his last name. Next an attempt at third person and forgive the spelling I am far lost to the hand quaking stage. ********** (Christian Rick, rick@bahnhof.se, "FLUFF: What To Do Now?") IG-87 followed his SPTMBU Scanner all the way to the docking bay 12-25 only to see a space ship blasting off. "Damn, I'll never find those pla... I GOT IT!!! I'll just look in the script!" IG-87 starts reading "The X-Mas Fluff Script". "Hmm, Scene 197 'IG-87 crushed under a gigantic powerdroid while fighting Darth Vader' No, Scene 73 'IG-87 gets run over by The SLEIGH OF SANTA' No, Scene 35. 'IG-87 stuffs a turkey while figh... Now wait a minute, GETS RUN OVER BY THE SLEIH OF..." --->KLONK!!<--- "Non of your systems are functioning within #"¤¤#!@ parameters, have a nice day" "Uhh, what?, who am I?, what am I doing here, where's here???" "Please wait #"¤£ I reload your memory banks..." "Oh, now I remember!" IG-87 said as he looked up. He was sitting in the backseat of a red sleigh on his newly found bag. The sleigh's pilot was laughing fanatically. ********** (The Drake, ahschuma@inst.augie.edu, "FLUFF: Beer Run!"> Drake hap just entered hyperspace when Vermithrax spoke. "Hey! I just intercepted a message stating that some psycho just blasted his way out of the space-port in a red sleigh. The report also said that our assasin droid was a possible passenger." "Great," Drake replied. "Probably belonged to that fat red man! Good thing I finished my Spam-burger." After a short while, Drake got up and went down to the cargo hold. Not only did he have the specs for the Canon Canon, he was making his own prototype! He needed just one more piece: the KJA-8085 microprocessor. He had been searching the galaxy for such a processor and he still didn't know where he could get one. Suddenly, Vermithrax's voice cut throught the intercom. "Drake I have some good news." "Well, that would be a change.", he answered. "It seems as though we may have to turn around and meet this assasin/cooking droid after all." "Are you nuts!", screamed Drake. "That is *not* what I had in mind! Why?" "Well,", Vermithrax replied, "it seems as though this certain model of assasin/cooking droid has a certain KJA-8085 microprocessor as one of it's main service chips." "Good lord!" Drake ran back up to the cockpit and quickly reset his coordinates *again*. "I'm afraid the Fluff-Lite will have to wait. Going straight to AOL, Vermithrax. Pray that what we need is still there!" ********** (Jeff Wright, jfwright@stream.com, "FLUFF: The Clauses Live On") Mrs. Claus slowly lifted herself off the floor. After using the force, to partly absorb the impact from the blaster bolt. Now she was pissed. First her husband had escaped her just as she was beginning to think that there was hope of turning him over to the dark side. And now this family, with children no less(just the thought of children brought her to such a rage she had to telekinetically kill a few of the remaining club patrons), had just interfered and top matters off the blaster bolt had singed her hair. She would have to take care of this first, she would kill the children and the wife, and then she would make Kaal person feel the dark side in all of it's glory. Mrs. Claus stepped out of Discotecha, and began to shout, "Come Comet, come cupid, come Donner, and Blitzen." Suddenly there was a loud ringing sound and a red sleigh began to come down out of the sky and land in front of Discotecha. Mrs. Claus and the elves stepped into the sleigh. First step was to fix her hair. Then she could continue with her vendetta. ____________________ In the meantime.... Dirk had moved over to Santa's side. Santa was lying on his front, Dirk turned him over checking for a pulse. The big man was still there his pulse was thready, but he lived. Dirk then pulled out his medkit and gave Santa a stimulant. The big man's eyes came flying open and he seemed as though he was startled to be awake. "It's ok friend, you just took a nasty blaster bolt your going to be fine," Dirk said in a soothing voice. "What..What...What happened ?" Santa asked "Not sure you tell me as far as I can tell you have this big b*&%h in red come in and she began to throw these weird electric bolts about and calling for someone named Santa, and then there was those geeks in the green suits running around and shooting people and things. Perhaps you could clear this up a bit more." stated Dirk. "Umm well it's kind of a long story, perhaps we could talk about this someplace a bit less drafty?" asked the Santa Man "Perhaps, but not until you tell me exactly why those goons were after you, then we can talk more." "Well umm, the short version is that Mrs. Claus fell to the dark side, and in her eternal glory wanted to bring me over to it as well, when I refused to turn she tortured me and made me do things I have never ever had to do before," at this Santa blushed a bright red, "she has total control of my dwarves and my reigndeer and I was lucky enough to hitch a ride to this planet, but now *sigh* my things have been stolen and Mrs. Claus has found me again." "Well it looks like we have lost her for the moment, the question is what to do with you, don't suppose you have any money do you?" Santa shook his head, "Hmm do you know anything about fixing ships?" again Santa shook his head, "Hmmm, well is there anything you are good at?" "Ummm well giving away toys and saying HO HO.." "OK well we have problem, I know the manager at this place on Rotan VII perhaps he might be able to find something for you to do?" "It would help if I had my stuff, there are many valuable items in there, I can sense them although they do seem to be getting rather high as if they are leaving the planet." "Damn ok lets go, there is an open area near her I will begin to call my ship.", Dirk took out a small cylindrical device and hit a stud on it and then replaced it inside his coat, "Ok lets go" They hurried outside of Discotecha and headed down the street. Where the Farseer a highly modified Corellian Action Mk IV was just setting down waiting for her captain. ********** (Mike (Leszek Karlik), bear@wlkp.ternet.pl, "FLUFF: Les'thalas joins the fun...") A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far a way... Les'thalas was happy. It was weekend, and he has done all of his homeworks. Well, almost all. But Empress wouldn't find out about that, woud sh... [DO YOUR BIOLOGY HOMEWORK] He quickly took his biology book from his pocket and put it into the holodisplay. It took him almost 40 minutes, but now he was done with all his homeworks. Damn that Control Mind! If the Gray Man had not taken his mastery over the Purple Side of the Force, he could easily repel those feeble attempts and dominate the worl... [STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT] Whoa, what was he thinking about! He really shoud have some rest... He went down to HoloTV room, and TKd the autopilot in his hand, when he felt... something... he haven't felt for a long time. The ripples in the fabric of the universe could mean only one... IT WAS ANOTHER FLUFF! HE WAS FREE! Though the images that flashed in his mind were erratic and fragmentary (Sleighs? Fat red man? IG-87 CAD?), the fluff meant one thing - he was freed from Grey Man's tampering... He felt his mastery of the Purple Side of the Force return. Hmmm... Maybe he should also learn the Up and Down side of the Schwarz? Naah... Too obvious. Or maybe the Force of the Others? Naah... Too subtle. Ahhhh... He knew it now. He needed something new - the Cartoon side of the Movie! He quickly whipped out his character sheet... AAARGH! (3 hours later) Grey Man's face on the sheet - Why did you do that? I just wanted to talk to you... Les'thalas (just woke up) - Ummm.... I was just trying... umm... to find a better way of doing homeworks... GM - Yes, I'm sure you had... Les'thalas suddenly felt the compelling urge to... Go to sleep! GM - And now, you will sleep, and your sleep will be a hundred years long, until a young Sith Lady will come and wake you up, and make you her obedient slave... Les'thalas felt his eyelids closing... NOOOOO! This couldn't have been the end! He.... ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........... --------------------------------------------------- In the other side of the Galaxy, Trrkt felt a strange radio wave with his antennaes... But he quickly distracted it. He was waiting, his Merr-Sonn SX-451 set up... His target, a dangerous bounty hunter named Tobias Fatt was responsible for death of over 24 New Republic agents. And Trrkt was going to get him. And even the modified armor donned by Tobias wouldn't stop a bolt from SX-451, especially one aimed at his visor... Trrkt saw his target exit a small house near the Discotecha bar, and he slowly aligned the crosshairs on his helmet's visor and slowly, carefully pulled the trigger... The bolt flew - and was intercepted by something red that flew by and absorbed it without any apparent damage! It was clearly some kind of sleigh, but Trrkt had no time to waste on such trivialities. His quarry's advanced sensors have surely detected the rapid energy discharge and located it - but Trrkt was a pro. He was prepared. He quickly rolled his green, 1.9 m tall body to the right, just before a fully prepared and charged-up EMSRG-1. It was loaded with an ultra-heavy needle with depleted uranium core. Now, his quarry has allready used it's jetpack and rised to the roof level. He quickly - with a surprising for such a spindly insect strength - pulled his railgun up and aimed the almost 2 meters long railgun right at Fatt's helmet. [I am so sorry...] he thought. And pulled the trigger. His quarry's helmet was cleanly punctured with a heavy durralite needle moving at a speed exceeding many times the speed of sound. And it's body was instantly smashed into flesh-and-metal pulp by the funny red sleigh which accelerated and then shot on a parabolic trajectory towards the sky... Trrkt was extremely interested in this sleigh. Of course, he had seen many craft, but this one was the strangest one he has seen. And he knew a few of his brethren who would be extremely interested in seeing it... After all, they were known to say: "It doesn't matter if it's not broxen. I can fix it"... He was sure they could fix it - if only they would get it. And this was a task for him - a sniper and infiltrator. ********** (Matt Francis, rkf@globalnet.co.uk, "FLUFF: ....and a Mandalorian in a Spam tree!") The sidewall of the club blew inwards and Cuthbert Fett strode through the smoking debris. Several of the denizens looked up in boredom. "I have a warrant to locate and detain Santa Claus." He looked around the bar "Anyone seen him?" Several small green elf-like creatures looked at each other. "No, no, no - not us. What do you want to arrest him for?" Fett grinned, then realised noone could see him under his helmet. "Theft, Speeding, no licence plate, no drivers licence, Violation of other contries air space, smuggling, breaking of quarantine laws. . He's also wanted by Blobba the Hutt- seems Blobba asked that if he didn't throw anyone to the rancors for a whole week then he'd be put on the nice list and get that assasin/cooking droid he's always wanted. Santa broke the deal." "Well you're to late he's gone" coroused the others. "Damn, first post into a Fluff and I've already lost the plot." Minutes later he was in the Spamstorm 1 and setting course for the AOL system. Cracking open a can of Fett Lager he turned to the computer. "Are the new Photon Snowball Projectors installed?" The three CPU's all chimed up and immediately started arguing. "It was like Christmas with Big brother Boba and Aunt Bloodthirster all over again. ********** (Christian Rick, rick@bahnhof.se, "FLUFF: IG-87's Fantastic Feats") Since the sligh's pilot seemed happy about flying around and laughing and didn't seem to want to stop the sleigh to let IG-87 off he started thinking. What should he do when he had built his Super SPAM-Burger Machine, hmmm. Someone had once said to him (this was befor Santa had given him to the Discotecha's owner instead of to Blobba the Hut as a x-mas present) that SPAM-Burgers just wasn't the same without beer. So logically if he increased the SPAM-Burger production he had to increase the rate that beer could be served. He got an idea! "I'll build a BEERcannon!" He started looking around in the sleigh for parts for his new invention but he found non, then he looked in the bag he'd found. In the bag he found everything he needed, and some more stuff, ok lots of more stuff. He started building his BEERcannon, when it was ready it looked like a cylinder with a read button with the text "PUSH THIS BUTTON". He loaded the BEERcannon with a Death Star Lager "Continue with intoxication. You may vomit when ready!" (tm) and pressed the button. The BEERcannon worked perfectly so he loaded it one more time and pressed the button again. At this time the first beer hit a Deat Star that was refuelling at a nearby system (more than 15 lightyears away) destroying it totally. And since there was neither no customer to catch the second beer it sailed away... "Great!! I've just built a Death Star scale slugthrower that shoots beer" he thought for himself. [Cut to] A long time in the future in a galaxy far far away... Star Trek episode 45687 "Kirk finds a new planet & civilisation for the 154th time" Kirk had just beemed down to the planets surface with his gone-away-team to meat the leader of his newly found civilisation: Yes it was his, he had already discovered 153 civilisations before and he had given them all to the federation. This time he would keep it he said to himself. "Oh, Capt. Kirk may a point out that a projectile is heading in your direction right now! It will hit you in 2.5 seconds precicely" Mr Schmock said. "What???" Kirk said. "Bonk!!!" the projectile said. "Hmm, Death Star Lager "Continue with intoxication. You may vomit when ready!" (tm)" Mr Schmock said looking at the projectile that was VERY much alike to a beer bottle. "Mr Scotty track the projectiles origin" he said when he'd finished drinking the beer. After saying that he vomited. #"!¤_#"¤_@£_"£$##"5 54_435!¤#_4_#43 #"_¤%#¤__%4%_4%_4!% [CONNECTION TO HOLONET LOST] [WE ARE SORRY FOR THIS TECHNICAL PROBLEM, THE SHOW WILL RETURN IN A FEW MINUTES] "Damn!!!" Emperor Palpy said. "First someone kills my best clone and then my favourite show is disrupted. I'll just have to kill everyone at HOLOnet corp." "You can't do that" his aide said. "Why not??" said Plapy. "Because you have already killed all the workers at HOLOcorp. the last time they had technical problems during one of your favourite shows" "No problem" Palpy said while he ripped out his Character Sheet and added Disrupt Time Continium to his force skills. "Now I can kill the again, and again, and again, etc... [This is the benefit of using duracell for your force powers, the just keep going...] [Cut back to the sleigh] Suddenly IG-87 felt the force grow within him, he ripped out his Character Sheet. And YES he had been awarded with 7 force points!!! (And while no one was watching he added 14D to his blaster skill) ___________________________________________________________________________