The Arranged Marriage: An Investigative Report By Asjeet Lamba All Rights (and Wrongs) Preserved Photocopyrighted (No Xeroxes please) Quote this and "Hum Tumhe Tumhari Naani Yaad Dila Denge" [The author wishes to express his thanks to the Prime Minister's Office for permission to use this quote.] Haven't you always wondered what really happens in an arranged marriage? How is the bride selected? How is the groom chosen? What are they thinking about while making this choice? What do their respective parents think? Now, finally, we have some answers! In an investigative report conducted by the author and a team of 29 top-notch investigators from various investigative agencies such as the CID, CIA, CBI, MI5.9, RAW, and KUKD a much clearer picture of what really happens has emerged. This report presents the facts. The report is organized as follows: Section I outlines the issues of concern to all unmarried and some married folk. Section II then details.... (Oh, heck! Just read the darn thing, okay??!) THE SELECTION PROCESS It is never easy finding a bride or a groom. That is the reason the "guy upstairs" created the middleman (go-between) who is usually a woman. Of course, in the space-age we live in, it could also be a computer matching the couple-to-be, but more likely would be the "Wanted" ads in the major newspapers_where a typical matrimonial for a bride runs as follows: #-------------------------------------------------------------# | Wanted: | | | | Tall, fair, beautiful, cultured, professional girl for | | well-settled, Punjabi Khatri boy in his late twenties, | | drawing a 5 figure income. Caste, creed, religion no bar. | | Sex baar-baar (;-). | #-------------------------------------------------------------# #-------------------------------------------------------------# | Translation: | | | | We are desperate! We have a 29 1/2 year old son who's never | | been on a date. He earns very little which he blows on | | booze and gambling. We don't give a sh*t who the girl is | | as long as she has a decent reputation. And the guy is | | getting desperate! | #-------------------------------------------------------------# A typical matrimonial for a groom usually goes like this: #------------------------------------------------------------# | Wanted: | | | | Tall, handsome, well-settled, professional boy, 26-28 | | yrs. for fair, beautiful, homely Aggarwal girl finishing | | her MA this year. Send returnable photo. | #------------------------------------------------------------# -------------------------------------------------------------# | Translation: | | | | We are sick and tired of all these bozos we've been seeing | | for our daughter! We want to marry her off before she | | starts getting ideas of a career and gets out of hand. Her | | boyfriends are beginning to become a pain in the | | a*s. Non-Aggarwals need not apply! | | | | And dorks, stay away! | #------------------------------------------------------------# Either through the newspaper or the go-between (usually the massi's bhabhi's younger sister's friend's aunt who has nothing better to do than make matches and then bore the whole world with details of all the "successes" she's had with getting people together!) the respective parents finally narrow the list to the "good" prospects. Then comes the harrowing part of going to teas (and dinners) to meet the meat. The shopping is underway! BOY MEETS GIRL; GIRL MEETS BOY; GIRL'S YOUNGER SISTERS GO TO THE MOVIES This is the crucial stage! First impressions last for a long, long time and word-of-mouth about lousy first impressions can ruin one's future prospects. So, it's time for the finest silk and polyester to come forth and drape the girl and guy, respectively. The guy arrives in the traditional white pants (flared), 2" thick black belt, white "dress" shoes with brown heels, and shoulder length hair combed back with lots of brylcream. The girl's parents take one look and gasp for breath. "Was this the guy Maindhoondtihoon Behen recommended so highly!?" they wonder. The younger brother blurts out, "Hello, so you are the new bakra (goat)!?" and is quickly silenced and sent to the other room never to be seen or heard from again. After the usual "Namastes-jees" and "Beta idhar aake bethos" ("Son come and sit heres") the BIG moment arrives. The bride-to-be-or-not- to- be arrives all decked out in the finest silk sari that her mom could borrow from the neighbors. Tea set in hand (which, of course, belongs to Mrs. Merateasetlelo down the street) she walks towards the groom-to-be-or-not-to- be a little hesitatingly. Her parents look at her adoringly forgetting for that instant all the hassles they had to go through to get her to agree to see this highly recommended catch. She peeks at the guy and almost faints! What are they all thinking about, you ask? Our extensive interviews indicate the following trains of thought and what they actually say when the girl enters: Bride-to-be-or-not-to-be: (Eeeks! I spend the rest of my life with this!?) Hello (to the guy) ... Namastejee (to the ma and pa) Groom-to-be-or-not-to-be: (Drool! drool! drool! Hmmm...I wonder if my drool is very obvious? Maybe I should wipe it off...?) Namaste (to the girl). Guy's Dad: (Hmmm..I wonder if Mr. Ladkikabaap has any pull in the Ministry..) Namaste beti (How're ya doing daughter). Guy's Mom: (Did I just see her stoop to the left a little when she walked...?) Beti mere paas aake baitho (Daughter come and sit beside me). Gal's Dad: (Hmmm..I wonder if Mr. Droolerkabaap has any pull in the Industry..) Beti chai idhar rakh do (Daughter leave the tea here). Gal's Mom: (God, I hope she doesn't drop the tea pot all over him...) Yeh chai Hotbabe beti ne banai hai (This tea is made by our daughter Hotbabe). With this the small talk takes over as everyone drinks the tea (prepared, of course, by the cook!). The usual questions are asked pertaining to the girl's life history in general. The guy just stares at his cup of tea wondering what to say or do. The girl's dad notices his daughter being grilled and decides to step in and save her : Gal's Dad: Beta, tum bahut chup-chup hoe... (Son, you are very quiet-quiet.) Guy: (Flustered) Gulp Jee, Jee... Blush (a manly one though) Guy's Mom (to the rescue!): Ajee yeh tow aisa he hai. Zyaada bolta-balta nahi. (Oh, he is like that. The quiet sort.) Girl: (Thinks - Yeah, sure!) Guy's Dad: Bhai aapki doosri ladkiyaan nahi dikhai deteen. (Brother I don't see your other daughters.) Gal's Mom: Woh, woh picture dekhne gayi hain... (They, they have gone to see a movie...) Guy's Mom (Hmmm...I wonder why? Must ask Maindhoondi- hoon Behen about them..) While all this is transpiring, the guy's mom is doing some fast thinking for the future of her son. Her suspicion of the "stoop while the girl walked" has blossomed into a "I'm certain she stooped to the left while she was walking." She blurts out: Guy's Mom: Beti, zara chal ke dikhana... (Daughter, just show me your walk...) Girl: Kya!?! (What!?!) Guy: (Mouth open, drools - a small puddle is now visible on the floor.) A pregnant pause ensues. Things are definitely not going well. Besides, the samosas are too salty. Then the girl's mom diplomatically says: Gal's Mom: Haan, haan Hotbabe beti. Joe aunty kehti hain karke dikha do. (Yes, yes Hotbabe daughter. Do whatever your aunt-of-sorts says.) Girl: (A more disbelieving) Kya!?! (What!?!) So, very reluctantly, she gets up to do "The Walk" that could well de- termine her fate and future. After a tantalizing (to the guy) and agonizing (to the girl) 2 minutes the guy's mom looks visibly satisfied realizing that the girl's stoop was an optical illusion created by the high refractive index of the silk Kanjivaram sari she is wearing. Meanwhile, the girl's looking at the guy as if asking, "Now, let's see you pull that off!" Seeing the obvious stare the guy gets a little flustered wondering, "May be she is 'forward'. The way she's looking at me..." The meaning of the stare is completely lost on him. THE DECISION The crucial point is fast approaching. A decision is to made about the future course of action and whether these two lonely hearts are to be united or even considered for union. Girl's Mom: Haan, tho behenjee, phir aapka kya khyaal hai... (Yes, so, sister, what do you think...) Guy's Mom: Ajee, behenjee, hamare kehne say kya hota hai. Aajkal ke zamane mein tho ladka-ladki maan jaye yahi kafi hai hamare liye. (Listen, sister, it doesn't matter what we have to say. In these times if the guy-gal agree that's adequate.) Girl's Dad: Bhai, ladka bhi yahin hai aur ladki bhi. Inhe he baat karne do phir... (Brother, the guy and gal are both here. Let them talk.) Guy's Dad: Haan, haan. Hum beech mein kabab mein haddi kyun bane. HA HA HA!! (Yes, yes. Why should we be the bone in the Ka-bob.) Guy: (Looks all around with a what-did-I-do-to-deserve-this- agony look) Gulp Girl: (Feeling a sense of euphoria coming on and realizing that this was it - A ONE-ON-ONE!!) Forced Blush 6 THE ONE-ON-ONE (A.K.A. THE END) This_is_it! This is the moment she has been waiting for. Now there is no hiding_behind_mummyjee's generous behind for Mr. Shadi-karane- chale-the- bhaisaab!__In an effort to "take control of the situation" our hero initiates the_talk..._ Guy: You look bhery one-durr-full... Girl: (Controlling the smirk) Thanks. So, what are you doing these days? [Writer's Interjection: Yes, folks, it is possible to do that without much makeup. One just has to think of the time when one was caught necking with one's boyfriend in the park.] Guy: I am between jobs now. Spend lots of time at home these days... Girl: And what do you do at home ("Help mummy with the samosas I bet," she thinks)? Guy: Oh, I read lots of magazines... Girl: What are your favorite ones...? Guy: Oh, Stardust, Femina, Eve's Weekly and others... Girl: (Almost rolls over in hysterics) Oh...mmmmmffff...achcha... Guy: Would you like to go summ-dhay to a ress-traant... Girl: Ummm...I don't think so... Guy: (Devastated look) Oh... The end is near (as any person can tell by now) to this entire ordeal for our heroine-of-the-moment. Of course, next time the tables could be turned and the whole situation reversed! The amazing thing is that when a rejection is conveyed it is always a two-sided deal. That is, the girl and boy reject each other simultaneously. One never hears that the girl/boy rejected the other. It's as if the decision is reached at the same instant in time. And so, after all this, we find that their respective egos are still intact for the next such encounter! [ Author's Note: The intention of this article was not to bruise any egos or to "make fun" of any particular religion, caste, creed, or sexual orientation (!). I may be accused of portraying the guy as a total geek. Okay so I did. So sue me! (:-) Any resemblence to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidential (yeah, sure...and I also have this bridge I want to dispose off...).] In the never-ending quest for truth, justice, and the Indian way of life, what follows is a sequel (in keeping with the summer spirit) to the arranged marriage - the Arranged Suhaag Raat. Since we are going to delve deep into the Wedding Night of a couple that, for all practical purposes (and I do mean practical) hasn't even met before, things could get pretty interesting and sexually intense. Then again maybe not! In either case, it is highly recommend the reader keep a bucket of COLD water handy. The Preamble We start with our heroine from the Arranged Marriage fiasco, Ms. Hotbabe Parayadhan, who has since found her mate, Mr. Yeman A. Kyakiya, a well- settled professional drawing a five-figure income. Hotbabe has a very vague idea regarding what her naya-navela (brand new) hubby does for a living. As her mummy-in-law mentioned very eloquently, "he works with computers ... " Suffice it to say that he is not expected to be home most of the day. She's still quite uncertain what he expects her to call him and has made a mental note about asking him about that. She'd definitely prefer "Honey" or "Darling" to the archaic "Ajee, sunte hoe" ("Hey you, do you listen") or, worse, "Suntay hoe, Chunnu, Munnu, Lallu, Phateechar ke bapu" ("Do you listen, Chunnu, Munnu, Wimp, Torn-Chair's (:-) dad"), but isn't quite sure of his reaction. Of course, she could venture to call him by his (gasp) first name, but is quite certain that mummy-in-law won't stand for it. So, for now he is just plain "Woh" ("That Guy"). The wedding over, the newly-weds are traditionally expected to spend the Suhaag Raat (Wedding Night) at an hotel - far, far from the often irritating relatives and friends who insist on being part of each and every phase of the marriage. However, Mr. Kyakiya, mindful of how expensive hotel rooms have become has decided NOT to follow tradition. Instead the suhaag raat is to take place AT HOME, presumably under the watchful eye of everyone including his parents and Maindhoondtihoon Behen, the go- between, responsible for the present predicament of Hotbabe. M. Behen is there just to make sure that her match is successful! Of course, Hotbabe is not aware of this change in plans, yet ... Kyakiya Bhaisaab (Brother-Sir) is prepared. No, this is not the pre- paredness one would expect from a person taking a one week trip to Bangkok. Kyakiya-jee has recently been schooled in the facts-of-life, especially vis-a-vis the opposite sex. A second cousin, thrice removed, and, more importantly, a woman, who fortunately is a doctor, has been kind enough to furnish our hero with the basics so he doesn't mistake the word "carefree" for chewing- gum and "periods" for what he had to endure through high-school. The cousin, Dr. Meera Adviselo, has also clearly explained the significance of phrases such as "Mere sar mein aaj dard hai" ("I have a headache today") and "Abhi nahi, koi dekh lega" ("Not now, someone may see") and the as- sociated subtleties. There is however considerable tension and uncertainty. After all one doesn't go through ordeals like this everyday. "Ordeal!" you exclaim? Well, of course, what else could Yeman be thinking given the fact that this is his third date, with a woman, and the second with this particular one? There is, of course, the anticipation of things to come, but the level of apprehension exceeds it. Meanwhile, Hotbabe is with her mummy-in-law who is busy giving Hot- babe a quick run-down on her beloved son. Mom-in-law: Beti, Yeman bahut light saleepurr hai. Koi bhi movement usse jagaa deti hai. (Daughter, Yeman is a very light sleeper. Any movement and he's up and about.) Hotbabe: (Thinks) Great, now tell me he snores too. (Says) Jee, achcha. (Yes, o goddess of my future in this house.) Mom-in-law: Aur woh kabhi-kabhi gharadhe bhi marta hai agar usse zukhaam laga hoe ... (And he sometimes-sometimes snores if he has a cold.) Hotbabe: Jee ... (Oh, no!) Mom-in-law: Vaise tumhe tho yeh sub chezen jaldi he pata chal jayengee (giving her a knowing smile followed by a nudge.) (Although you'll find out about these things soon enough.) Hotbabe: (Thinks) No kidding! (Says, with the appropriate shyness) Jee ... jee.. Mom-in-law: Arre, lo, isme sharmaane ki kya baat hai? (Hey, give, what's the reason to be coy now? Hotbabe: Jee ... woh ... (thinks) Oh, God! Will this never end!? Mom-in-law: (With a knowing smile) Oh, main tho bhool he gayi. Yeman tumhaare liye wait kar raha hoga (Yikes, I almost forgot. That horny son of mine must be waiting for you.) KABOBS AND ASSORTED BONES Hotbabe is concerned. Very concerned. Is this what she really wanted? Was this THE GUY for her? All these uncertainties. All these doubts. Instead of being away from everyone, she is now in their very midst with almost no privacy. And to top it all, this was to be the night she was supposed to have waited for all this time. She could feel a headache coming on ... Enter our hero, Yeman. He's a little uncertain on what to say. So, he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind: Yeman: "What's up ... ?" Hotbabe takes one look at him and almost bursts out laughing. She suppresses the urge to retort "You tell me" and instead intones a "Oh, nothing ... " Yeman, realizing the question was kind of dumb, feels at a loss for words. Suddenly, a knock on the door ... Yeman: (Thinks) Bachch gaya! (I'm saved!) Hotbabe: (Thinks) Great, just what I need. Another kabaab-mein-haddi (bone- in-the-kabob). Mom-in-law: (At the door) Beta, yeh garam doodh lay lo ... (Son, take this warm milk). Hotbabe: (Thinks) Wonderful! He drinks the milk and that's the end of that. First thing you know, he's fast asleep and snoring. (Of course, she doesn't realize that sleep is the farthest thing from Ye- man's mind ... ) Yeman: Nahi, mummy-jee, rehne doe ... (No, mommy-dearest, let it be ... ) Mom-in-law: Beta, doctor nay kaha hai ... (Son, the doc's said so ... ) Hotbabe: (Eyebrows raised, looks at Yeman.) Yeman (to Hotbabe): Mujhe calcium deficiency hai ... (to his mom): Mummy-jee abhi nahi. Rehne doe ... (Mommy- dearest, not now. Leave it be ... ) Mom-in-law: Lekin beta, doctor ne tho kaha hai tumhe energy chahiye ... (But son, the doc's said you need the energy ... ) Hotbabe: (Almost bursts out laughing) Yemen: Mummy, please ... ! Mom-in-law: (Very reluctantly) Oh, achcha ... (okay) Hotbabe: Sigh! Yeman: Sorry ... Mummy kabhi-kabhi overdo kar dayteen hain ... (Sometime-sometimes my mom overdoes it ... ) Hotbabe: (A little uncertain on how to respond) Oh ... CLOSE ENCOUNTERS A pregnant pause ensues. Yeman's wondering what he should do. Should he just pile on, or is he expected to be subtle about the whole thing? What was it that his friend, Atul U. Subkuch, had mentioned the other day? Yes! Something about being REALLY patient and slow. He recalled Atul mention that marriage was more like a (cricket) test match than a one-day international and that he had to stay at the crease and not go all out right off the bat. Of course, all this could mean that Atul knew a lot about cricket and not much else! Yeman: (Thinks) I definitely don't want a repeat of that incident with Hema Yekyakarrahahai ... (Says) Tho aap kaise hoe ... ? (So, how are you ... ?) Hotbabe: Hot ... Yeman: (Appearing a little surprised and, yes, perhaps a little shocked at the sudden "forwardness" of his nai-naveli dulhan (brand new wife). Oh ... Hotbabe: (noticing the gradual change in Yeman's facial expres- sion from the usual I-am-so-confused to what appears to be insatiable lust realizes the significance of her reply) No, no! I mean it's hot in here ... Yeman: Oh, I'll turn on the AC ... Hotbabe: Nahi, rehne deejiye. (No, let it be my alleged Lord-and-Master.) By this time Yeman's getting a little impatient. Obviously, Atul's advice is not doing the trick. In fact, he's not even sure what the trick's supposed to be! He slowly approaches Hotbabe admiring her facial features for the first time. Coming really close now he finds himself complimenting her. Yeman: Aap bahut achchi lagti hain. (You look very nice.) Hotbabe: (Mutters) Thanks ... (Thinks) I wish he'd brush his teeth and get rid of that beer stink. Seeing Hotbabe turn her face away from him doesn't do wonders for Yeman's fast deflating ego. By now he's wishing he'd seen all those videos his friends used to rent. He did recall parts of "Debbie Does Delhi" but that particular one had almost no relevance to his present predicament. Suddenly, Yeman recalls the missing link! Of course, it was that book Atul had giving him with a, "Boss, iss mein sab kuch hai joe tujhe chahiye. Iss kitaab mein information thoons-thoons kay bhari hai." ("Boss, this has everything you desire. This book's stuffed with information.") Wondering where he'd hidden the darn book (from mummy-jee, of course!) he quickly glances around. Hotbabe: (Thinks) Hmmmm ... is he looking for the quickest escape route? (Asks) Is something wrong ... ? Yeman: No, no ... can you wait a minute ... ? Hotbabe: (Thinks) Well, where do you think I'm going. (Says) Nahi, nahi. Aap apna time leejiye. Main theek hoon. ("No, no. You take your time. I'm fine here.") Watching Yeman head for the bathroom, she marvels at her hubby's nervousness. A little amused, but more concerned than anything else, she tries to recall her mom's advice to her the other day ... "Usse garam doodh muth peenay dena. Tumhare daddy nay do glass piye thay aur phir bistar par laithay he neend aa gayi thi unhe." ("Don't let him drink any warm milk. Your dad had two glasses to drink and then promptly fell asleep the moment he hit the sack.") Hotbabe: (Thinks) Hmmmm ... I managed to do that. What else did she say ... ? "Usse lead lene do. Vaise aadmi logon ko zyaada patha nahi hota ki kya karna hai, lekin unko achcha lagta hai tum kuch na karo. Usko boyfriend ki tarhan treat nahi karna, achcha!?" ("Let him take the lead. The men-folk normally don't know what to do in such situations but like thinking they do. Now, don't treat him like your boyfriend, you hear!?") Hotbabe remembered how embarrassed she'd been at the advice at the time, especially after mummy's boyfriend remark. Probably valuable advice given the present situation ... ) Hotbabe: (Thinks) Well, doesn't look like that's the case here. I just wish he'd hurry up and come ... Meanwhile, Yeman is busy reading the "bible" Atul gave him as a wed- ding gift. I am, of course, referring to the Kamasutra. As couples embarking on a "new" life are often told - "Don't leave home without it!" - Yeman is trying to speed read his way through what appears to be a fascinating tome full of rather interesting pictures! Wishing he had looked at it earlier, he now realizes that there are so many things to be learned. Suddenly recalling the all-knowing Atul's words of wisdom - "Arre yaar, woh positions wallah section dekh leejo; baaki sub boring hai" ("Hey buddy, take a look at the positions section; all the other stuff's boring.") - he proceeds to read ... "If, by means of some contraption, your lover suspends herself above you, places your linga in her yoni and pulleys herself up and down upon it, it is Utkalita." Realizing quickly that this would require the services of at least three other people and a pulley-like contraption, Yeman quickly discards this as an infeasible option. Then ... "When your skillful lady lifts crossed thighs and places both her heels on one of your shoulders, her buttocks being passionately struck by your penis driving rapidly, it is Nagara." With this one Yeman has conceptualization problems. For him trying to visualize the position is harder than taking the JEE. Besides, how "skilled" is the lady really supposed to be? The idea that Hotbabe may be "skilled" doesn't go down well with our hero's male ego. Yeman: (Loudly) Aargh! Saali sab bakvaas cheezay likhi hain! ("Sister- in-law, they've written all crap!") Hotbabe: (From the other room) Jee ... ? Kuch kaha aapne? ("Yo! Did ya say something?") Yeman: (Stuffing the Kamasutra book where he'd found it) Nahi, nahi. Tum soe jaao ... (No, no. You go to sleep ... ) Hotbabe: (Not sure if she'd heard correctly) Jee ... ! Kya!!? Yeman: (Realizing his folly) Mera matlab hai ... main abhi aata hoon ... ("I mean ... I'm coming ... ") Hotbabe: (Letting out a barely audible sigh) Oh ... By this time, Yeman has almost given up any hope of coming up with a solution to his predicament. Then, in a blinding flash, his dad's words of wisdom come to mind ... "Beta, itna darne ki koi zaroorat nahi. Meri baat mano aur, jab time aaye, tho maidaan-e-jang mein kood padhna! Arre, mujhe he dekh lo na. Ek number ke sher the hum apne zamaane mein. Sher ke bachche ho tum!" ("Son, don't be such a wimp. Listen to my words of wisdom and, when the time comes, jump into the war- garden! Hey, look at me. In my time I was a bona-fide tiger. And that makes you a tiger's son!") Yeman feels that sudden rush of adrenaline taking over his bodily func- tions with a renewed vigor. Yes! I am a MAN. Better still, I am an ALL INDIAN MALE! If I can get married what could be worse!? Daddy-jee is right! Go phaar (for) it! Yes! Go phhar it!! Yes! YES!! ... Yeman doesn't realize that he is not in the bathroom anymore but stand- ing in his undies in front of his now bewildered wife! Yeman: ... YES! Hotbabe: (Puzzled look) Yes ... ? Yeman: Yes! Hotbabe: Yes! Yeman jumps on the bed and pulls the covers over him ... Come now, you didn't really expect me to go on, did you? The rest, as they say, is left to the reader's imagination :-).